A healthy conversation has a natural rhythm, a give-and-take in which both people feel heard, understood and valued. But with some people, that balance never quite happens.

That’s the case with what experts call “conversational narcissism.”

“Conversational narcissism is a communication style wherein an individual centres themselves in conversations, engages in oneupmanship, fails to ask follow-up questions and has a difficult time maintaining interest in what other people have to say,” Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost.

A conversational narcissist can leave you feeling drained and like you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. They tend to be inattentive and lack curiosity.

“Whatever you share is quickly met with a more extreme or more compelling version of their own experience,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in couples and family therapy. “Over time, the conversation stops feeling like an exchange and starts to feel one-sided. It results in leaving an interaction feeling unsatisfied and empty.”

Conversational narcissists don’t necessarily have narcissistic personality disorder, though some may fall somewhere on the narcissism spectrum.

“It’s also important to note that many of us have been guilty of conversational narcissism from time to time,” said Lauren Maher, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in anxiety, trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery. “If you notice that you’ve inadvertently done this, take a breath, make sure that you bring the conversation back to the original speaker and follow up by asking them questions about their experience.”

There are also best practices for those who find themselves interacting with a conversational narcissist. Below, experts break down ways you can navigate these situations while protecting your energy and reclaiming your voice.

“First, acknowledge any feelings that are arising for you ― such as frustration, indignation, anger, disappointment or loneliness,” Moore said. “Engaging in an interaction with someone who is a conversational narcissist can bring up lots of intense feelings, especially if you’re someone who spends effort maintaining balance in conversations who values reciprocity in relationships.”

Try not to take someone’s conversational narcissism too personally.

“Know that what you’re experiencing has nothing to do with how interesting or valuable you are, but has more to do with the other person’s ability to take an interest in you,” Moore said.

Consider that a conversational narcissist might also be a kind and generous person in other ways.

“Look at the overall, bigger consistent picture,” said Dr. Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University Grossman School of Medicine and author of “Practical Optimism: The Art, Science, and Practice of Exceptional Well-Being.”

“Is the person able to celebrate your wins and be happy for you and be there for you in your time of need? That to me is most important. If they are a true, solid, loyal friend, you can and should give them grace.”

“Keep in mind what your objective is in your communications with this individual,” Moore advised. “If your goal is to be seen, heard and understood, you will probably be frustrated and not get what you want. But if your goal is to communicate something specific, find a pause or an opportunity to interrupt and get straight to the point.”

Take a more efficient, practical approach. Adding a little structure to your conversation can ensure you achieve your goal. Being clear and direct about what you need is crucial.

“Set the intention,” Varma said. “If I’m grabbing lunch with a friend who tends to over-talk, I might say right at the start, ‘I’ve had such a heavy week and I really need to vent for a few minutes ― is it OK if I go first?’”

“Protect your peace and walk away if the conversation doesn’t become two-sided or beneficial in any way,” said communications consultant and author Amelia Reigstad.

Setting limits around how much you engage and share can help keep intense emotions at bay.

“If you find that a person is not willing to take accountability for their behaviour, or you feel drained, resentful or even a bit ‘used’ after conversations with this person, then this may be a sign that you need to set much stronger boundaries with this person,” Maher said. “This may include excusing yourself from the conversation or setting a time limit for yourself on how long you will participate in the conversation.”

If the conversational narcissist in question is also a fundamentally narcissistic person, you’re better off saving your energy than continuing to engage with them or falling under their control.

“Don’t ‘over-fuel,’” Varma said. “Sometimes, being a ‘great listener’ actually encourages the behaviour. If you’re giving 100% of your focus to someone who isn’t giving it back, it’s OK to lean back, give shorter responses, and politely wrap things up when you’ve hit your limit.”

“If the pattern continues, it’s also important to adjust your expectations and protect your own energy,” Ross said. “Not every relationship will offer the kind of mutuality you’re looking for, and recognising that can help you engage more intentionally, rather than leaving interactions feeling depleted.”

Come to terms with what the a conversational narcissist can actually provide.

“Manage your expectations,” said therapist and “Disarming The Narcissist” author Wendy Behary. “You’re not going to get a whole lot back in the way of a real, reciprocal conversation ― the real give and take of ‘I see you, I feel you. I sense you. You see me, you feel me. You sense me.’”

“I think if it’s someone who’s really intimate in your life, you may want to use the beautiful strategy of empathic confrontation,” Behary said. “Say, ’I know you’re very excited about what you want to share with me, but I have to tell you, I’m feeling a little bit forgotten in what I just shared with you. I feel like we moved very quickly from my experience into your experience, and I just want to be honest with you because you’re my dear friend, or because you’re my husband or whoever.”

With an acquaintance, you might choose to simply set limits or avoid them, but a more direct approach could be preferable for someone with whom you’re more intimately involved.

“Empathically confront them and hold them accountable for this very self-absorbed way of communicating,” Behary said.

“I’m a big fan of the ‘gentle pivot,’” Varma said. “You can say, ‘I love hearing about your trip, but before we move on, I really wanted to finish telling you about my new project.’ Believe it or not, the other person may genuinely be interested in hearing what you have to say and want to know what you’ve been up to.”

You can “reclaim the ball,” so to speak, in a way that still protects your energy.

“Re-direct the conversation back to you ― ‘Thanks for that, great point, however, I’d love to share my perspective,’” Reigstad said.

Humour is another way to get a word in edgewise. Make a playful comment or joke to ease the tension of this dynamic.

“If you find yourself regularly interacting with a conversational narcissist, you can first try lightly interjecting with something along the lines of ‘Hang on… I’d love to finish that thought,’” Maher said.

“If this type of behaviour is coming from a lack of awareness or habit, then gently bringing this behaviour to their attention could shift the pattern,” said Chelsey Brooke Cole, psychotherapist and author of “If Only I’d Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.”

“You can start by saying things like, ‘I’d like to talk about something else for a while,’ ‘Our conversations are starting to feel very unbalanced,’ or ‘I feel like when I’m speaking you’re not really listening. Can we talk about that?’”

With time and accountability, the habit of conversational narcissism can shift.

“A person who is not narcissistic will usually reflect on their behaviour, take accountability, and try to make more space for you in future conversations,” Maher said.

The key is to be honest about your feelings and the patterns you’re noticing, but in a relational way.

“Rather than criticising, speak from your own experience,” Ross said. “‘I notice that when I share something important, I feel more supported when you stay with what I’m saying, rather than shifting to your own experience.’ Being clear about what you need ― more listening, more presence ― can sometimes create an opening for change, especially if the person isn’t aware of how they come across.”

When your partner frustrates you or your mum is on your last nerve, it’s natural to call a friend or talk about your feelings at the next wine night. But not all emotional unloading is created equal.

“Although they seem similar on the surface, venting and complaining are actually distinct phenomena that lead to different outcomes for your mental health,” Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost.

So what exactly is the difference? And when does talking to friends about your feelings about a person or situation go from a healthy outlet to an unproductive cycle of negativity?

Below, Moore and other relationship experts break it down.

“I think of venting as letting off steam about the annoying habits or behaviours that are inevitable in a relationship,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “And more often than not it’s helpful to have a friend who listens, validates and just understands why you feel the way you do – without judgment.”

Having a little vent session with a close friend can be a healthy way to engage with something that’s bothering you.

“Venting typically involves expressing emotions and frustrations in a way that seeks understanding or relief,” said relationship therapist Joy Berkheimer. “It allows for an honest exploration of feelings and can facilitate personal insight or clarity when approached constructively. Essentially, venting can be a form of processing, providing a necessary outlet for emotional burdens.”

It feels good to get something off your chest and discuss how it’s been affecting you.

“Venting often sounds like, ‘I just need to talk this through – I had a moment, and I need someone to hear me out,’” said Sanah Kotadia, a licensed professional counsellor with Balanced Minds Therapy. “There’s usually emotion, but also a sense of release or clarity afterward.”

Getting to hear someone else’s perspective can also help you see the situation more clearly.

“Honestly, sometimes we need to talk to our friends when we’re confused, frustrated, or even just want someone to say, ‘Yeah, that would drive me nuts too,’” said April Davis, the founder of Luma Luxury Matchmaking. “It can be a way to process what you’re feeling in a safe, supportive space.”

A little venting can give you the chance to calm down and explore why you’re feeling strongly so that you can address the issue directly with the other person later with a cooler head.

“Venting can be a healthy outlet if it’s done intentionally, with self-awareness,” said dating coach Sabrina Zohar. “It’s about releasing tension, exploring feelings, and often includes self-reflection. It sounds like, ‘I’m overwhelmed and need to talk this through so I can make sense of it.’”

Maybe you had an argument with your partner over something small, like not getting to go to the beach for a weekend because you have to go visit your in-laws.

“Sometimes, all we need is the opportunity to let off steam and we’re ready to let the situation go,” Moore said. “Other times, the venting allows us to transition into problem-solving mode. Venting primarily indicates that there is an emotional release that needs to occur to avoid a blowup, much like relieving pressure on a pressure cooker so it doesn’t explode.”

“Complaining often carries a more negative connotation,” Berkheimer said. “It tends to focus on grievances without seeking resolution or understanding. Complaining may involve repetitive criticism that doesn’t foster growth, and it can lead to a cycle of negativity that detracts from the relationship.”

There’s a greater focus on blame in complaining, which has a critical edge to it.

“It’s more about being right than being real,” Zohar said. “It sounds like, ‘Can you believe they did this again?’ and usually doesn’t leave room for personal accountability or change.”

Rather than exploring and shifting your own thinking on the subject, you tend to circle the same frustration over and over.

“When someone engages in chronic complaining, they aren’t just releasing tension from the system – they’re actually subtly communicating that they aren’t ready to make the necessary changes to solve the problem,” Moore said.

“For example, someone who isn’t ready to face conflict head-on might complain to their friends about their partner as a way of expressing frustration without having to face their own fears.”

Ultimately, complaining feels like an attack rather than a way to blow off steam. There might even be a sense that you’re putting the weight of these issues on your loved ones and expecting them to solve the problem.

“Complaining goes more to the character of the person and can be detrimental,” Ross said. “It can be disloyal depending on the content and the intent behind sharing. It may backfire – if you have serious complaints about your partner that you want to address, the person to do that with is your partner, not your friends.”

Understanding the difference between venting and complaining can help people nurture healthier relationships.

“While both can emerge from a place of frustration, the intention behind venting is generally to seek support and empathy, whereas complaining often lacks this constructive purpose,” Berkhaimer said.

“Venting is more of an emotional release and desire to fix the issue, whereas complaining is the same story, over and over, with no real intention to fix your relationship,” Davis echoed.

Emotional expression should ideally have a positive long-term impact on your personal well-being and your connections with others.

“One way to tell the difference is by noticing how you feel afterward – do you feel clearer and more grounded, or more stuck and frustrated?” Kotadia noted.

Experts see more nuance in venting, whereas complaining often flattens complex situations into black-and-white thinking.

“One is a step toward repair. The other is a step toward emotional gridlock,” Zohar said. “And when complaining becomes habitual, it reinforces powerlessness – it makes you the victim of a relationship you’re not taking ownership in.”

“Venting is often a healthy, normal, outlet for letting off steam that is inevitable in a relationship,” Ross said. “Venting about everyday annoyances like domestic chores, messiness or being late is normal and often helpful. There are things we just have to accept about our partners, yet they still annoy us and make us angry.”

Releasing the tension by talking to friends can feel validating, particularly if they sometimes get annoyed with their partner over similar things. By venting to a group, you also give everyone else permission to do the same.

“In groups of people, it’s common for themes to emerge and for friends to feel less alone in their frustrations,” Moore said. “If the group venting sessions lead you feeling seen, heard and supported, then it’s an overall positive experience.”

You might want to reevaluate your participation in the group venting sessions if the experience leaves you feeling demoralised or hopeless, however. The goal is to process your emotions and gain perspective in a positive way.

“Ideally, venting should be approached with intention,” Berkheimer said. “It’s beneficial when it fosters constructive discussions and deeper understanding, not just about our partner, but about our own needs and patterns. When we share in a way that seeks support and growth rather than merely complaining, it can strengthen our relationships with both our partners and our friends.”

Experts emphasise that venting about someone is not inherently “good” or “bad”. Life and relationships are complex and nuanced.

“When determining whether your behavior is healthy or not, look at the big picture,” Moore said. She recommended asking yourself questions: “Am I overall fulfilled in my relationship?” “Do I feel better after venting to my friends?” “Am I willing to look at my part in problems and address them with my partner head-on most of the time?”

If the answer to all three of these questions is yes, then you probably don’t need to worry. But maybe you’ll discover these vent sessions are your only coping mechanism and just keep you stuck in repetitive negativity.

“We can easily fall into this cycle of rehashing the same issues over and over because we aren’t addressing the root of the problem,” Davis said. “That might mean you need to have difficult conversations with your partner or consider couples counseling.”

Therapy provides a safe, supportive environment to discuss your frustrations with a trained professional, and with couples or family counseling, you and the other person can go into it with the shared goal of improving the health of your relationship.

“Repeated venting can sometimes be a sign that you don’t feel equipped to bring certain things up with your partner, or that you don’t believe anything will change,” Kotadia said. “That’s when it might be worth exploring those patterns more intentionally – either through self-reflection or with support from a therapist.”

She advised looking inward and examining what you’re seeking when you vent. Is it just a little support and perspective? Or are you feeling utterly unheard, underappreciated and overwhelmed in your relationship? Maybe you’re using these conversations as an avoidance technique.

“Venting should be a release valve, not a lifestyle,” Zohar said. “If you’re constantly bringing your relationship to the group chat instead of the person you’re dating, something deeper is going on – and it’s not just about them.”

Think about the tone and level of emotion you bring to these conversations. Look for negative patterns in your communication and whether you feel comfortable having an honest, open conversation with your partner.

“There is a difference between sharing, talking it through and figuring out what you want to do about it – and revealing serious issues and disturbing behaviours that are red flags,” Ross said. “If you have serious doubts or concerns about your relationship, be clear before you start the conversation, know whether you are venting so that you can then put your head in the sand and ignore the flags, or because you aren’t sure what to do and need a friend to talk it through.”

That’s why it’s important to consider your audience, the content of what you’re discussing and your priorities. Perhaps you know you need to accept your partner will never be as neat as you are, but you cope by occasionally complaining to a trusted friend. Or maybe you’re diving into serious problems that go into a partner’s character or the viability of your relationship.

“Venting can put friends in an awkward situation,” Ross noted. “In the heat of the moment, you may be very upset about an argument, and if that’s when you complain to your friend, it can come across as more serious than it actually is.”

Understand that what you say may well change your friend’s opinion of your partner and lead them to question your choice to stay in the relationship. Consider how you would feel if your friend shared something similar about their partner.

“Remember, venting is only one person’s side of the story and may be taken out of context,” Ross added. “The thing to ask yourself is, ‘If my partner knew I was sharing this, how would they feel?’ While they may not love it in any instance, there is a difference between things you can laugh off and things that feel like a breach of loyalty and confidence.”

Basically, you should give the other person involved a chance to work on big issues directly with you before you go off about them with your friends.

“Sometimes venting is a symptom of emotional self-abandonment,” Zohar said. “You’re not a bad partner for needing support, but if you’re outsourcing all your emotional expression to friends, you’re not in a full relationship with the person you’re dating. You’re managing perception, not building connection.”

That’s why it’s worth getting curious – without judgment – about why you aren’t saying these things to the other person. Do you feel emotionally safe? Are you worried that bringing it up would cause insurmountable conflict or rejection?

“Many people aren’t venting to gain clarity – they’re avoiding direct conflict,” Zohar said. “They’re using their friends to emotionally regulate, validate their side, or make sense of dynamics that feel unsafe to bring up in the relationship. If your friends know more about your emotional needs or resentments than your partner does, that’s not communication – that’s emotional outsourcing.”

Expert comment provided by BACP-accredited counsellor Natasha Nyeke and BACP-accredited therapist Lisa Gates.

If you’ve read, watched, or heard any relationship advice in the past few years, chances are you’ve heard of “attachment styles”.

These are part of attachment theory, which was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby. He thought that the way our parents interacted with us as children affects how they get close to, or drift apart from, others as adults.

Broadly, these have been split into four groups: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised.

An avoidant attachment style is associated with avoiding intimacy, dismissing others, running from relationships that feel too close, and struggling with commitment issues.

But it turns out that not all avoidantly attached people have “overt”, or clear, avoidance tactics. Nope – sometimes, counsellor Natasha Nyeke and therapist Lisa Gates told us, the signs of “covert” avoidance can be so hard to spot, they appear like devotion.

“When people think of avoidance in relationships, they often picture someone pulling away, working longer hours, drinking more, staying out late, shutting down or becoming defensive during difficult conversations. That’s overt avoidance. The distance is visible,” Nyeke said.

But with covert avoidance, that gap can be a lot more subtle.

Nyeke says that the person may look “present, committed, even devoted” while feeling a growing distance between themselves and their loved ones, the counsellor explained.

“Covert avoidance is hidden and indirect [and] is often internalised,” Gates agreed.

One of the reasons it can be so hard to spot is that many of the signs are internal and almost look like extreme dedication on the outside.

“The person may look present, committed, even devoted,” Nyeke said.

“They might lean in harder, taking on more, over-preparing, or becoming indispensable, but underneath, in both cases, they are struggling to tolerate feelings of vulnerability, helplessness or uncertainty.”

And, Gates stated, a person may replay “fearful scenarios in relationships that shift the focus away from real-life exposure and taking action,” or “use coping strategies such as rumination, dissociation, or quietly withdraw from a distressing situation.”

Gates also explained,“Procrastination and cognitive distortions that delay having challenging conversations, such as wanting the ‘right time’ to occur, mean the individual does not engage in the actions they need to take.”

Sometimes, they have an “fantasise about the success or failure of communicating with another person without acting on these fantasies in the real world. Other patterns are not making eye contact, or chronic worry or apprehension about something unrelated that masks the real distress.”

If this sounds like you, both of the experts say help is at hand.

“At its core, this often links back to self-esteem. If someone doesn’t fully trust that who they are, without over-performing or withdrawing, is enough, vulnerability can feel risky. Avoidance becomes a way of staying safe,” Nyeke told us.

“Avoidance isn’t a character flaw; it’s a protective strategy. The work in therapy is gently building the confidence that being emotionally honest doesn’t equal being rejected, and accepting that who you are is enough.”

And Gates thinks that staying mindful in times of avoidance can be helpful. Thinking things like “I notice I’m avoiding talking to that person, even though I want a connection,” can make you more aware of your behaviour and help you to identify patterns.

Then, she says, consider a positive first step, such as: “I’ll explore this collaboratively with a trusted friend using non-blaming communication for 10 minutes and then reassess.”

Be honest about your own feelings, and try grounding techniques if you’re feeling out of control or distressed.

“Therapists may use ACT, Exposure therapy or Psychodynamic methods to explore covert avoidance.”

It seems that adults have fewer close friends these days than they did 30 years ago – in the ’90s, a third of us said we had 10 close friends or more, but by the 2020s, that dropped to 13%.

Not only that, but friendships – which research suggests tend to fade away at around age 25 anyway – are getting more expensive.

Perhaps it’s no wonder that around a quarter of UK adults say they feel lonely “often, always or some of the time”.

But making friends as an adult can feel difficult. So, we thought we’d share some science-backed ways to boost your social life:

For years, I waited for a friendship “meet-cute” – maybe I’d find someone with my exact same interests and a similar personality by some unlikely chance.

But science says I was barking up the wrong tree. One study found that those who thought friendship was a matter of luck were likelier to feel more lonely five years later.

Those who believed that making friends took conscious effort, meanwhile, fared far better socially.

A 2021 study found that people who sat next to each other in classrooms were more likely to become friends.

And the same seemed to be true for adults in college classrooms – another paper found that university students who came to class regularly, even when they didn’t talk to their classmates, were seen as more likeable than those who also didn’t interact and showed up less often.

Though you might not be in college or school anymore, the lesson likely holds true across volunteering groups and meet-ups like book and running clubs.

Science suggests that believing people will like and accept you makes you easier to get along with. When researchers told participants of one study that they were going to be accepted into a group, they shared with their new acquaintances and were more positive and less disagreeable.

The inverse seems to be true, too. Another paper showed that when people expect rejection, they read socially ambiguous behaviours – like being quiet – more negatively, taking them as a sign that a person doesn’t like them. In response, they behave in a colder, more defensive manner.

You might think that the most important factor when choosing friends is compatibility. But some research says that the number one trait people look for in a new friend is feeling liked and valued.

Further research, which followed new friend pairs for months, found that those who showed affection for one another were likeliest to stay together.

Cringe-inducing as it may feel at first, being open and clear about liking a person seems to go a long way to making – and keeping – new friendships.