DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I started spending time with a woman I knew casually for about a year following her traumatic breakup with her ex-boyfriend. At first, we were just friends, but it quickly progressed as we opened up and shared everything about ourselves with each other. She continued insisting we were “just friends” and went out with other men, which, at the time, didn’t bother me. 

Two months in, we started being intimate. Three months ago, she began referring to me, her puppy and herself as “a family,” talking about future kids and grandkids. She asked to meet my parents and made sure I met hers when they came to town. I began believing this was going to be a long-term thing, even though she still insisted we were just friends.

Three weeks ago, she met and started dating another guy. She told me she still wants to be best friends, that she had been “50-50” the entire time about whether to date me but couldn’t commit because she wasn’t physically attracted to me, despite having sex with me for many months. She said she was physically attracted to me sometimes but didn’t feel that way all the time — and she thought she should be. I cut things off with her. I’m extremely hurt, and I don’t understand her decision. Can you help? — REJECTED IN COLORADO

DEAR REJECTED: I can try. The “friend” you were dating and intimate with may be an adult chronologically, but she is emotionally immature. Intense physical attraction is great while it lasts, but in many cases, it diminishes with time. Lasting relationships like marriage depend upon more than that to succeed. Give her marks for honesty and be glad you found out what her true nature is, but also realize that you dodged a bullet. All women are not like her, and you will meet one you can trust.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine recently got married. We are pretty close. I was asked to be a bridesmaid. (Unfortunately, I had to decline due to scheduling conflicts.) I attended the wedding, bringing an appropriate gift, only to find out a few months later that the marriage was never legally registered. It had just been a commitment ceremony. When I asked why she didn’t announce it as such, she said she wanted people to think it was a real wedding. 

I’m feeling a bit betrayed, and I wonder how her other guests would feel if they found out. I’m not sure I would have bought such an expensive gift if I had known beforehand. Is there a rule of etiquette for this sort of thing, or am I overthinking it? — WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: Your reaction is understandable. While no formal rule of etiquette forbids lying to one’s friends and loved ones, the Bible has something to say about it. Your friend wanted a party. She wanted gifts. She and her boyfriend did not want a legal commitment that lasts a lifetime or they would have had an actual wedding.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is having an affair with an old flame from when she was in high school. He was just released from prison after serving time for murder. I have forgiven her, but I told her to stop the contact. She said she’d rather divorce me than do that; I would have to live with what’s going on. I love my wife, so I compromise for now.

She now has put me out of the marital bed, and I am not allowed to touch or hug her. I still do my husband-type chores. Please, I need your advice. — SIDELINED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SIDELINED: I am sorry for your pain, of which I’m sure there is plenty. By ousting you from the marriage bed, your wife has effectively deserted you. You may forgive her for the ongoing affair, but tolerating the status quo will not save your marriage. It is important that you seek legal counsel now to help you in the months ahead, because you are going to need it. 

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I loaned my son and his wife $6,000 to pay for the doctors to flip my daughter-in-law’s baby so she could have a natural childbirth. Since then, she has been extremely rude and verbally abusive to me. I am not allowed to visit or post any pictures of the baby, even though her mom stayed with them for three months. How do I ask them for our money back? — SECOND THOUGHTS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It isn’t unusual with a first baby for a new mother to want her mother with her rather than her MIL. Was there a written agreement that you would be repaid the money you gave your son and his wife for the delivery? If there wasn’t, you may be out of luck. I wish you had mentioned why your daughter-in-law’s attitude toward you has changed so radically. Until you understand the reason, there will be no chance to heal this breach.

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with my neighbor “Mary” for 30 years. She has developed Alzheimer’s disease and needs constant supervision. Her husband refuses to place her in a facility, even though family members tell him he needs to. I have watched Mary a few times, and it was nerve-racking. She wanders off and undoes anything that we did. 

Mary’s husband came over alone recently and told me he had hired a professional to watch her. Then he offered me $2 an hour less than the professional. (The professional has never watched her.) I told him I couldn’t do it and that he needs the professional. He is now telling friends that I am no longer a “friend” because I wasn’t there when needed. He barely talks to me anymore and doesn’t wave when I drive by. What can I do? — OUT OF FAVOR IN FLORIDA

DEAR OUT: Your neighbor has a crushing 24-hour responsibility on his shoulders, but he shouldn’t be blaming you for your inability to relieve it. Do not expect him to smile and wave, and don’t be sorry you refused his offer. What you must do now is explain to these mutual friends what happened — that you watched Mary a few times but managing her was too stressful for you, and that is why her husband is mad at you. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

DEAR ABBY: A former boyfriend, “Ray,” is an alcoholic. He has been through rehab twice, but it didn’t do any good. He won’t stop. He keeps saying we’ll work it out. 

I don’t understand why Ray can’t get it through his head that I no longer want to be with him. I gave him two chances. Nobody else wants to help him either, including his family. 

Ray can be controlling. He still contacts me and tells me what I need to do, just like when we were together. I don’t need that kind of person in my life. I hope and pray God will send me the right person one day. Any advice you can offer? — BREAKING AWAY IN ALABAMA

DEAR BREAKING AWAY: Block Ray’s number, and do not respond to any more messages from him. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. The next time Ray contacts you (hopefully sober), tell him there is nothing more to work out. You no longer want any contact with him, and if his stalking doesn’t stop, you will report him to the authorities and get a restraining order. (Then, if it becomes necessary, do it.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister “Fiora” lives with her daughter and family several states away from me and her other siblings. She is insisting we plan a party for her 80th birthday. Fiora wants it to be a destination party in an expensive resort area nowhere near where any of us live. 

None of us is wealthy, but some of us have been good money managers and are comfortable in retirement. Fiora, on the other hand, has spent every last dime and has health issues, so she must live with her daughter. We have told her we feel if she wants this extravagant party, she should talk to her children, not to us. Is this unreasonable of us or of her? — PARTIED OUT IN MISSOURI

DEAR PARTIED OUT: Putting the rules of etiquette aside, Sister Fiora should not be demanding that her siblings foot the bill for a birthday extravaganza she can’t afford. Tell her (as one) that you will be happy to split the bill for a more modest celebration or send her a check. The choice is hers, and the amount is something all the sibs can decide upon. Her adult children might also want to chip in as well.

DEAR ABBY: Has anyone ever asked women on the receiving end of men’s use of Viagra or other such medications how they feel about having to plan or schedule their so-called “lovemaking”? I feel it would make it just plain old sex rather than an emotional, loving act. To me, it would be better to have no sex at all than to have to plan for it. Also, how satisfying is it really to women? — PHYLLIS IN INDIANA

DEAR PHYLLIS: As I am sure you know, there is more to making love than popping a pill. The act and the desire for it should be mutual rather than a performance. Making love with someone a person cares about and is attracted to can be satisfying, but I think the answer to your question depends upon which participant you ask. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

DEAR ABBY: For four years, I tried to get my stubborn husband to get his hearing checked, once I realized it was decreasing. When he finally did, he had lost a significant amount. Now he seems to be declining mentally, and he refuses to get a checkup. I have told him that if he does not get himself checked out now to hopefully stop or slow down the process, I will not be there for him when he is in serious decline. Do you have any advice? — ULTIMATUM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ULTIMATUM: This is a tough one. When dementia starts happening, the person doesn’t always recognize what’s occurring. I am hoping that your husband has a doctor he sees annually for routine checkups. If he does, contact the doctor and explain your concerns so he or she can start “casually” evaluating your spouse during the next visit. 

If he doesn’t have a doctor, reach out to the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) for specific advice on how to proceed. Be patient and persistent. The changes you are perceiving are not your husband’s fault. The reason he is resistant to getting help may be fear.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter entered her teens, she and her friends began borrowing each other’s clothes. I didn’t approve, and I warned my daughter that if anything became lost or damaged, I would not be responsible, nor would I replace the item. She said she understood and continued the practice.

As I predicted, some of her clothes went missing or were damaged. One particular incident occurred when she borrowed a tennis sweater from a casual friend whose parents I was not friendly with. When I unloaded the hamper to do the laundry, unbeknownst to me, the sweater fell in with other clothes that did not require special care. 

I first noticed the sweater when I retrieved the clothes from the dryer. It had shrunk. When I pointed this out to my daughter, she just shrugged and gave it back to her friend. Soon after, I received an angry phone call from the girl’s mother demanding that I reimburse her $75 for the sweater, which her daughter had loaned to mine without her permission. 

I told her about my conversation with my daughter involving the practice of borrowing clothes and said that since her daughter loaned the sweater WITHOUT her permission, her daughter should assume responsibility. She became furious with me, going on and on about how much she loved the sweater, but I stood firm. Was I wrong? — TEACHABLE MOMENT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR TEACHABLE MOMENT: You should not have been responsible for reimbursing the mother for the sweater. Before loaning it to your daughter, the girl should have asked her mother’s permission, just as your daughter should do before she lends one of her garments to anyone. If anyone owes that mother for the sweater, it is your daughter, who broke the rule, which resulted in the item being damaged.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter entered her teens, she and her friends began borrowing each other’s clothes. I didn’t approve, and I warned my daughter that if anything became lost or damaged, I would not be responsible, nor would I replace the item. She said she understood and continued the practice.

As I predicted, some of her clothes went missing or were damaged. One particular incident occurred when she borrowed a tennis sweater from a casual friend whose parents I was not friendly with. When I unloaded the hamper to do the laundry, unbeknownst to me, the sweater fell in with other clothes that did not require special care. 

I first noticed the sweater when I retrieved the clothes from the dryer. It had shrunk. When I pointed this out to my daughter, she just shrugged and gave it back to her friend. Soon after, I received an angry phone call from the girl’s mother demanding that I reimburse her $75 for the sweater, which her daughter had loaned to mine without her permission. 

I told her about my conversation with my daughter involving the practice of borrowing clothes and said that since her daughter loaned the sweater WITHOUT her permission, her daughter should assume responsibility. She became furious with me, going on and on about how much she loved the sweater, but I stood firm. Was I wrong? — TEACHABLE MOMENT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR TEACHABLE MOMENT: You should not have been responsible for reimbursing the mother for the sweater. Before loaning it to your daughter, the girl should have asked her mother’s permission, just as your daughter should do before she lends one of her garments to anyone. If anyone owes that mother for the sweater, it is your daughter, who broke the rule, which resulted in the item being damaged.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: At sundown, it is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. — LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 60s. For the last five years, we have been having some great fun. We dress up, role-play, and invite friends to join us from time to time. It has been wonderful and has kept us young. 

Then one of our adult children had to move back home. He never goes out. His girlfriend comes and stays the weekends. Needless to say, he has put a damper on our fun. We are down in the dumps come Monday when we go back to work, so we play when we can.

We have gone to hotels, but it’s not the same freedom. My husband says our son is an adult and we should do what we would do if he wasn’t home. He can either accept it or move out. Abby, what are your thoughts? — EMPTY NESTERS NO MORE

DEAR EMPTY NESTERS NO MORE: It is your home, and you should be free to do whatever you wish in it. You definitely need to have a conversation with your son and make plain that there are times when you and your husband need “privacy.” If he asks why, tell him the truth. Then suggest that on some weekends, he and his girlfriend stay at her place.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 14 years to my son’s father. During that time, he cheated on me and was talking to a lot of other women. When I told my family we were divorcing, one of my siblings got angry with me, telling me I needed to do everything I could to make it work. 

People I thought would be there for me no longer were. People turned their backs on me, including fellow church members. Some friends stood by me, though. It hurt me so much. What was once a close-knit family was now torn apart. 

I met a man who lives an hour and a half away from me. He treats me and my son wonderfully. I chose to move to the same town as my boyfriend, but my son didn’t want to leave his sports and friends. He told me it was OK and that he would just stay with his dad. I was torn. But then my siblings started running their mouths about me leaving my son, so I changed my mind and stayed. My boyfriend was OK with it because he loves my son and wants what is best for him. 

My ex and my siblings constantly hang out and do things. My ex is always invited to gatherings and events, while I never even get a text message asking how things are going for me. It hurts, and I have sunk into a deep depression because of this. Is there something I have done wrong? — DEPRESSED DIVORCEE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DIVORCEE: You did NOTHING wrong. It’s clear to me that your family has always been more attached to your unfaithful ex than to you. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and depressed. That said, however, I think you should move to resume your relationship with your boyfriend. In a new town, there will be fewer reminders of this sad chapter of your life, and you can make new friends and build a new life. If your depression lingers, counseling will put you on the right track.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 44 years and have always slept in the same bed with my wife. Last week, I caught a virus, and we decided that I would sleep in the spare bedroom until it was gone. I have now discovered I sleep better by myself, and I enjoy the freedom of the bed. How do I tell my wife I’d prefer sleeping alone? I love her to death, but I really like my freedom in bed. — SLEEPING FOR ONE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SLEEPING: Couples sleep apart for many reasons — and it doesn’t signal that there is anything wrong with the marriage. Tell your wife what a restful and restorative sleep you had in the spare room (“the best you’ve had in years”). A good night’s sleep is imperative for good health. Then explain that it’s nothing personal, but you would like to continue sleeping solo. 

Don’t be surprised if she then tells you that she, too, slept better not having to share the bed. However, if she isn’t receptive, perhaps two beds in your main bedroom would work for the two of you.

DEAR ABBY: My 71-year-old husband tells looonnnggg stories about himself to everyone — family, friends and even strangers. I’m bored to tears hearing the same stories over and over, and I can see others’ eyes glaze over to the point of avoidance. I have asked him to share only stories that are less than 10 years old, but that hasn’t stopped him. What else can I do? This has gotten so bad that I find myself avoiding social situations with him. — MAKE IT STOP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MAKE IT STOP: Has your husband always been like this, or could his repetitiveness be a symptom of mental decline? When people regale others with old stories, it can mean that their short-term memory is deteriorating. Is the problem that your husband had an illustrious career years ago but has nothing recent to discuss? If his problem is simply that he’s a crashing bore, consider socializing without him more often. Your friends and family will appreciate you for it. 

DEAR ABBY: I live in an independent retirement home. There is a lady who sits at our table at lunch. If someone asks a question, before the person being addressed can respond, she butts in and answers. If someone says something, she tries to top them. We have tried insulting her, but she pouts for a few minutes and then is back at it. When we moved to another table, she moved also. Any suggestions? — SPOILED LUNCH IN ALABAMA

DEAR SPOILED: Yes, rather than shun the clueless woman, one of you should have a private conversation with her. (Is she in control of all of her faculties?) Explain that her personality is “too strong and dominant” for the rest of you, which has made you all uncomfortable, and this is why she should sit elsewhere at lunchtime. If she denies it, give her some examples. Do not expect her to like it, but if you speak up, you may be able to enjoy your lunch in peace after that. If not, talk to the manager of the retirement home about reassigning her.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

DEAR ABBY: I just concluded a five-day visit hosting some young relatives. Both are adults in their early 30s. They have full-time jobs and make decent money, although they spend it as fast as they get it. My concern is their pot smoking. 

Recreational marijuana is legal here as well as where they live. During their visit, they smoked joints before breakfast, mid-morning, after lunch, before dinner, after dinner and before bed. I would estimate they smoked five to seven joints a day apiece. They repeatedly commented that what they bought here was much stronger than what they could get at home. I suggested maybe they should, therefore, smoke a bit less, but I got a “we’re on vacation” response. 

They interspersed the smoking with high-caffeine energy drinks. Both exhibited a lot of anxiety and paranoia. Multiple times, they drove their rented car after smoking, and they would have gotten a DUI had they had been stopped for any reason. 

I said nothing about their pot consumption during the visit, but then I thought that if they had seen me with a fresh glass of wine in my hand at breakfast, followed by five or six more over the course of the day, they would have been concerned about my habits. Am I crazy to be concerned about theirs? 

I don’t know if this is how they spend their regular days off from work, or if this was a vacation binge. Should I keep my mouth shut and just let it go, or should I try to discuss it with them now that their visit is concluded? — OBSERVER IN OREGON

DEAR OBSERVER: How these fully employed relatives spend their money is not a subject you should raise. However, you do have the right to tell them you were concerned about not only the amount of pot they were smoking during their visit, but also the fact that they were driving under the influence. Marijuana may be legal, but that does not make it advisable to use in every situation. Being stoned slows down reaction time and puts them and other drivers at risk. 

DEAR ABBY: My fiancé and I have been living with his parents for the past two years. We are ready to move, but it feels like his parents want us to live with them forever. I’m ready to just leave, but I don’t want to cause drama. His father calls me rude names and fights with my fiancé. I don’t want my daughter living this way anymore. Should I just walk out, or should I explain to them first what our plans are and then leave? — HAD ENOUGH IN THE SOUTH 

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: I suspect there is at least one chapter and verse missing from your letter. Rather than leave in a huff or sneak away with no explanation, you and your fiancé should thank his parents for allowing you to live with them for the last two years, tell them you have found a place of your own now and leave as pleasantly as possible.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

DEAR ABBY: I am having a baby in five months. My doctor is recommending that anyone who visits the baby in the first three months be up to date on vaccines (Tdap, flu, COVID and RSV, if age 60-plus). We have decided to follow our doctor’s recommendations. 

Some of my family members are resistant to getting these vaccines and want us to consider other options, like testing and wearing a mask, which is not as safe. Also, it would be hard for younger kids to do — my niece is 3. Abby, we vaccinated our young children (3 and 5) at the time when our niece was born, as part of what my sister requested. 

I am already stressed about this situation and do not want to talk it to death with my family, and I have grown resentful because of it. In the past, I have set boundaries with my family, and most of them have not been understood or received well. Can you offer me some guidance? — EXPECTING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR EXPECTING: I am happy to try. When your baby arrives, the responsibility for its welfare will rest mostly on you, the mother. Follow your doctor’s medical advice to protect your child. If family members don’t want to respect your wishes and do what they must to avoid endangering your baby (as you did for them), realize you can’t change their minds, and keep your distance for the first three months. 

DEAR ABBY: For nearly five years, my adult daughter was a domestic violence victim. My husband and I have done everything to support her freedom and new path. However, during her journey, she claimed that I had been abusive to her as a child. I do not recall any action I took that could be considered abusive, nor does my husband or her siblings. 

I am finding it difficult to rationalize her recollection of events when she didn’t recognize her recent relationship was abusive. Anyhow, I’ve recommended individual and group therapy. However, I have not admitted to any abuse because it didn’t happen. We all feel she’s projecting her anger and resentment from this recent relationship onto me because I was honest from the beginning that I saw red flags. We had candid conversations about the offender prior to the separation. But she keeps defending him and blaming me for having inflicted pain and suffering on her. 

Please tell me what you suggest I do to resolve this situation, as it is destroying our family. — DUMBFOUNDED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your daughter appears to be a troubled individual. I’m glad that you suggested therapy. The kind I would recommend would be family therapy, in which every member has a chance to air their “truths.” When someone in an abusive relationship attempts to deflect blame from their abuser onto someone else, they may be avoiding reality. A licensed psychotherapist could help put your daughter back on the right track.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.