Expert comment provided by licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos.

Previously, we heard from sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos about what straight men and straight women bring up the most in sex therapy.

And this week, she spoke to us about the topics virgins over 30 discuss most with her.

“Many people over 30 who’re still virgins… [talk to me] about performance anxiety… they often worry about not knowing what to do during sex, that they will mess up, or that it will get awkward,” Roos said.

Other common fears include being judged by your partner and not having the supposed “right” physical responses to sex and foreplay.

This stress, the sexologist said, can sometimes create a vicious cycle. “These kinds of worries easily lead to the physical reactions they’re afraid of, such as erection problems, difficulties with getting wet, or having a hard time relaxing.”

Because society often has “norms for when we should have sex the first time,” Roos said, some virgins aged 30 and over feel they’re behind or “as if something is wrong with you, even though it most often isn’t”.

It can make communication with partners and even dating feel more difficult, she added.

Some in this group “develop doubts about their ability to attract, or their desirability as a romantic partner,” the therapist told us.

“Even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you,” she said, those who haven’t lost their virginity at 30 or older can “see themselves as less appealing and capable in intimate situations than what they actually are”.

And it’s not uncommon for people to “grow an insecurity around flirting, intimacy and emotional closeness, making many of the natural elements in finding a partner feel too overwhelming,” she added.

Pain during penetration is a relatively common concern for straight women, Roos told us last week. And for virgins aged 30 and over, she told us many are afraid of “pain during sex, which just increases the risk for unpleasant intimacy, especially in women.

“For people with vulvas, being afraid of pain during penetration can lead to difficulties with relaxing and getting wet, making the sex unpleasant,” she added.

And for men, “worrying can cause temporary erection problems, which also tend to put people in a very negative loop where having sex becomes something that feels more and more difficult each time you try”.

Roos had some words of wisdom for people in this group, starting with destigmatising being a virgin after 30.

“There’s no deadline for when you should have sex for the first time – it’s all about what feels right for you! It’s normal to have your sex debut early, and it’s normal to have it late, and at what age you first get intimate says extremely little about how the rest of your sex life will be,” she said.

She also said that sometimes, those who feel they’re “late” to having sex can put a premium on experience, even at the cost of pleasure. But she thinks it’s healthier to stay present, start as slow as you like, and communicate.

“Start with kisses and just being close, and then take it from there at the tempo you enjoy, and focus on how it feels and on the moment instead of on what you’re doing, something that builds safety and makes it feel way better”.

Roos also says many virgins over 30 are “scared about telling the person they’re seeing that they never have had sex before, but in my experience, a date often responds with way more understanding and empathy than we expect.”

Explaining where you’re at sexually can make further communication easier.

You should also learn “what feels good, both physically, emotionally and mentally” – that “makes sexual encounters feel more welcoming, safe and less mystical, which is key for taking that step”.

Lastly, the sexologist said, don’t be afraid of seeking expert help, or even talking to a friend, if you need. That’s “extremely valuable if the fear, shame and anxiety are strong and difficult to deal with on your own”.