Most dog owners would love to spend every minute of every day with their pups. Alas, life gets in the way of that for many of us, which means trying to maximise whatever time we have together.

But what about when we want to get frisky with another human? Should we let our four-legged friends stay in the room? Or is it better to separate ourselves from our dogs before we start stripping down?

That’s what we – Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, the co-hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast – aimed to find out when we recently chatted with Dr Emily Levine, a board-certified veterinary behaviourist and the owner of Animal Behavior Clinic of New Jersey.

“When [my boyfriend] Benji and I have sex, we don’t let [our dog] Jumi on the bed, but he’s in the bedroom, and I feel a little bit weird about it,” Michelson admitted. “I feel like he doesn’t exactly know what we’re doing. What do you think about this from a behaviour standpoint?”

Levine said this is a common question she often gets from pet owners.

“For most dogs, it just doesn’t matter,” she said. “If they’re not bothered by it, it doesn’t matter at all. Dogs don’t have this hang-up like people do about things. They sort of live in the moment.”

However, there are some behaviours that signal a dog should not be present

“Where we shouldn’t have the dog in a room when people are having sex is when the dog tries to intervene,” Levine told us.

“There are lots of dogs who have a little bit of FOMO … like when people are like hugging, the dog wants to join in and so the dog is just like, in a happy way, ‘Hey! What’s going on here?’ and that just ruins the mood.”

Other pups might be uncomfortable for a more worrisome reason.

“There are also dogs who will get very distressed because of the sounds that are being made [during sex],” she said. “They may interpret some of those sounds as aggression [happening to] you, and then it’s not fair to the dog to have them in the room for that.”

Levine advised giving our furry friends a treat or a toy – either in the room or in another room – to keep them occupied until we’re done getting busy.

We also tackled a question from a listener about a similar – yet very different – scenario.

“We recently adopted a new dog and he loves to lick our older dog’s penis,” the listener said. “What’s going on there? And is there any downside to this or should I just let them go at it?”

“There are different reasons a dog may lick another dog’s penis,” Levine said. “It may be that there are just so many good odours in [that area] that they’re attracted to that.”

She also noted that they might be enjoying a taste that is present on or around the dog’s genitals.

“We want to make sure the dog doesn’t have like some sort of yeast infection or something in there that’s making it more attractive to the other dog,” she said.

What about the dog who is letting his friend lick him? “If he’s allowing this, he probably just thinks it feels good, or it does feel good,” she explained.

Levine told us she wouldn’t be worried about the behaviour if it’s happening “here and there”, but if it’s ongoing, it could cause problems.

“The concern about it going on for too long or too frequently is it’s possibly setting up for an infection in the penis that’s being licked.”

We also chatted with Levine about how to address unwanted barking, why some dogs get more aggressive as they get older, what to know before you let dogs and kids play together and much more.

Listen to the full episode above or wherever you get your podcasts.

Have a question or need some help with something you’ve been doing wrong? Email us at AmIDoingItWrong@HuffPost.com, and we might investigate the topic in an upcoming episode.

We all know that Wuthering Heights is not about a love that we should aspire to, right? We know that their bond was eventually very toxic, that they mistreated each other and everybody around them, and it ended anything but happily ever after.

All of that being said, watching Emerald Fennell’s take on the novel can definitely remind you of a certain ex. Not the one you had an amicable split with, not the ‘fun summer fling’. No. This ex is the one that you had the senselessly passionate relationship with. Everything was aflame and when it ended, you went no-contact. Probably because your friends begged you to.

It’s not romantic but it’s definitely alluring: the thrill of the chase, the passion between you, the way they took up residence in your head and squeezed into every thought… they’re pretty unforgettable, probably quite toxic, and seeing a highly stylised version on-screen with this blockbuster can easily reignite certain memories.

On paper it should be easy, but getting over this kind of ex is not simple, much like the bond itself – as divorce coach Carol Madden notes on Medium: toxic relationships take longer to heal from than healthier ones.

Speaking to Business Insider, relationship expert Jessica Alderson explained that these kind of relationships are a bit like an addiction, saying: “They are often characterised by extreme highs, during which relationships seem perfect and magical, followed by crashing lows, which are usually caused by a partner pulling away or acting out – this can make people feel alive.”

Once the relationship finally ends, your body can still crave this unpredictability. She added: “The emotional rollercoaster can make it harder to move on and accept that the relationship wasn’t meant to be.”

Clinical psychologist Dr Ruth Ann Harpur suggested that after a relationship breaks down, people will naturally try to seek answers about where it all went wrong – and while it’s a “crucial step” in the early moments of the breakup, it’s important not to keep going over every detail of the relationship and your ex’s behaviour.

If you get stuck ruminating, you become “tied to the past” and end up reliving the pain, she suggested. So, her advice is to: “Understand that ruminating on past abuses may feel safe but it keeps you from living fully in the present and building healthier relationships.”

She also urges people to focus on activities they really enjoy to keep busy and connect with themselves again, and to open themselves to new friendships and relationships.

Experts at Calm have a guide to getting over a relationship with advice that includes:

• Clearing out physical reminders of them.
• Allowing yourself to feel your feelings.
• Limiting or cutting contact with them, including on social media.
• Setting new goals.
• And seeking therapy.

It isn’t easy, but you can move on.

“Don’t go to bed angry.” “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”

There are many relationship adages and “rules” that have become part of our cultural vocabulary, but not all are meant to be followed. So when I first learned about the “777 rule” – a concept to help partners find time to connect – on social media, I brought a healthy level of skepticism to the guidance.

“The 777 rule is a viral framework that encourages couples to spend consistent, intentional time together,” said Julie Nguyen, a dating coach with the dating app Hily.

“The guideline suggests couples to go on a date every seven days, take a weekend trip every seven weeks, and go on a longer vacation every seven months.”

She noted that this method isn’t rooted in formal research or relationship science but is “more of a catchy formula” that makes it easy to remember how to have special shared experiences with your partner. Of course, there’s room for flexibility as well.

“Every seven days, have a date or spend some intentional time together – this can be a meal at home without any screens or kids, something simple,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy.

“The important part is focusing on one another without distractions and trying to tune in to your relationship.”

Try something that requires a bit more effort every seven weeks.

“Go on a road trip, spend a day going on a hike, go away for the weekend – again it’s intentional time together with the goal of connecting and not being distracted by screens, work, friends or family,” Ross noted.

And then make an extra special, out of the ordinary plan every seven months.

“Go on a trip, conquer a challenge together,” Ross said. “Take time away from your life to do something that you both look forward to, want to experience together, and requires you to spend time and effort on being together – and of course again, without distractions.”

The 777 rule made the viral social media rounds last year, and it also wound up in headlines in 2023 thanks to reports about English actor Amy Nuttall following her husband’s alleged affair. The underlying idea goes back even further, however.

“While the name feels sparkly and new, this really is a traditional relational concept under a new name,” said clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff.

“The foundation of this concept is rooted in the idea that our relationships require novelty, quality time, intentionality and investment of emotional, financial and time resources to feel full and satisfying. I think this took off so easily because of the simplicity and clean packaging around it which gives couples a clear way to think about planning and how they prioritize the relationship.”

“Over time, it can be easy for couples to take the relationship for granted and drift apart,” Nguyen said. “The 777 rule is a reminder to protect your time together so the connection won’t get deprioritised by work, routine, parenting or daily life. Making space for shared closeness gives couples opportunities to experience something new together.”

The 777 rule provides a simple, concrete structure to help strengthen connections without overcomplicating things.

“This creates intentionality around planning and activities without having to reinvent the wheel and guessing about what the ‘norm’ should be,” Romanoff said. “Shared expectations are one of the most important predictors of relational harmony, and this rule helps to get both people on the same page.”

A little can go a long way in relationships, and this easy structure is actionable and impactful.

“It’s a myth that a good relationship will just remain good – a relationship needs to be nurtured and tended to,” Ross said. “If you neglect your relationship, it will deteriorate and get worse – it won’t stay the same.”

She emphasised that the 777 rule builds in new things and experiences to bond over. For couples with a strong foundation but recent issues with life stress and lack of time, this framework could kick-start their journey to reconnect after a period of neglect.

“When I work with couples, I talk a lot about how our brains respond to novelty and attention,” said Sarah Barukh, a therapist with Kindman & Co.

“Early in relationships, everything feels new, and we’re naturally very attuned to each other. Over time, the brain gets efficient and goes on autopilot, and we start assuming we know what our partner needs instead of staying curious about them. Intentional time together can help interrupt that autopilot and bring people back into connection.”

“I appreciate the spirit behind the 777 rule because it’s trying to solve a real problem – couples often let quality time fall to the bottom of the to-do list,” Logan Ury, a dating coach and the lead relationship scientist at Hinge. “But I don’t love rigid formulas for relationships because they can create unnecessary pressure or guilt when life doesn’t cooperate.”

Couples who feel like they’re failing to meet a prescribed formula can feel added stress and engage in unhealthy comparison.

“The downside is when connection becomes treated like a checklist,” Nguyen said. “Presence and engagement matter far more than going through the motions with a half-hearted vacation.”

The 777 approach may also remove the natural joy and spark of trying new things together.

“It could take away the spontaneity and ‘specialness’ of these events, especially when they can become rigid, routine and taken-for-granted,” Romanoff said.

Plus, this kind of rule isn’t necessarily accessible to every couple, at least not in all life phases.

“It assumes a certain amount of time, money and flexibility that many couples don’t have,” Barukh said. “I’m also mindful that sometimes big or novel experiences can become distractions. Couples may be spending plenty of time together, but not necessarily in ways that deepen their understanding of each other or help them feel more supported and known.”

What strengthens relationships the most is not the scale of the plan, she added, but whether both people feel emotionally present, open and curious about each other.

“The 777 rule doesn’t address deeper problems,” Ross said. “It’s not a substitute for difficult conversations or resolving differences. You have to follow the spirit of the exercise. If you don’t really engage with the activity, the planning, the time together, it can be empty and not connecting. Don’t dial it in!”

Although this approach might be “good maintenance” for some relationships, she warned that it can’t tackle unresolved issues, distance betrayal or mistrust. So don’t use the 777 rule as a substitute for emotional work or excuse to ignore those challenges.

“I don’t recommend it for couples who are struggling with serious issues or are in a crisis,” Ross said. “And it’s not appropriate for couples who have been brushing things under the rug and need to address layers of unresolved issues.”

“I recommend this rule in theory, not in practice,” Romanoff said. “In other words, it’s a good guideline to open up conversations for couples to talk about what they want and expect from the relationship to reduce disappointment, resentment and guesswork. It shouldn’t be defaulted to as a black-and-white rigid rule.”

Rather than treating the 777 approach as a hard-and-fast rule, use it as a jumping off point to reach shared understanding and agreement with your partner.

“Many couples forget to prioritise their relationship once life gets busy,” Barukh said. “New experiences together can be great, but closeness doesn’t only come from trips or big plans. It usually comes from moments of vulnerability, attention and curiosity about each other.”

The goal is to feel connected and prioritised. And there are many ways for couples to reach that mutual appreciation and fulfillment.

“For some people, it’s regular date nights,” Ury said. “For others, it’s small daily rituals – like always eating breakfast together or a 10-minute check-in before bed. The research on relationship maintenance shows that consistency matters more than grand gestures.”

She suggested asking each other, “What’s one small thing we could do daily, one medium thing weekly and one bigger thing monthly that would make you feel loved?” Personalising a framework makes it more realistic and sustainable.

“Another variation is one meal together a week, one night out a month and one overnight a year,” Ross said. “This is less than 777, but for some couples it’s easier to commit to and follow up on – and still has an impact.”

Remember there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, so figure out whatever works for your schedule.

“Think about how you can fold in more consistent attention and shared presence, which can be supported through some type of ritual that works for you and your partner,” Nguyen said. “For example, my boyfriend and I usually have a relationship check-in every three months where we take time to deeply listen to each other.”

Instead of fixating on completing a scheduled task, the focus is making the space to be curious about each other.

“The important part isn’t the number of hours spent together,” Barukh said. “It’s whether both people feel seen, connected and willing to keep choosing each other over time.”

From hit series such as Heated Rivalry and Bridgerton to the most talked about movie of the moment, Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights, yearning is everywhere right now. Falling in love and living happily ever after? BORING – we want storylines with long, drawn out power dynamics, tortuous emotional restraint and hopefully, a moment of release.

Yearning, as the Cambridge Dictionary defines it, is “a strong feeling of wishing for something, especially something that you cannot have or get easily” – and we can’t get enough of it.

You only have to search #yearning on TikTok to be flooded with videos (245k posts, in fact) to find romanticised clip after clip of Jacob Elordi’s Heathcliff looking miserable on the Moors or videos of Jonathan Bailey’s Anthony Bridgerton staring down a camera with misty-eyes.

Meanwhile, the phrase ‘best yearning scenes’ has been Googled so many times in the last 30 days that it’s been classified as a ‘breakout’ term (Heathcliff’s finger sucking has a lot to answer for).

However, according to new research from Tinder, it turns out that many of us don’t just want these intense feelings in our pop culture, we want them mirrored in our own dating lives too.

Not content with yearning being restricted to screen, stage and page (yes, we see you too A Court of Thorns and Roses readers), 71% of UK singles aged 18-25 want love that feels as intense as it does in films or books, while two thirds (67%) say they love the feeling of being yearned after, and 61% enjoy yearning for someone they like.

However, is yearning really all it cracks up to be in practice in the real world?

Well, as chartered psychologist Dr Tracy King explains, one of the main issues with yearning is that a lot of it is based around uncertainty and it can actually lead us to have an unrealistic idea of the person we’re yearning for.

“When someone is just out of reach, the mind fills in the gaps,” she says. “You are not relating to a full, consistent picture of a person, you are relating to fragments and possibility. That creates intensity, but intensity is not the same thing as compatibility.”

In other words, you’re so wrapped up in this feeling of want and longing that you might be blind to the pitfalls of the person themselves – that this idea of them is actually more attractive than the reality of who they are.

We’ve all been there, when the thrill of the chase and the ‘will we, won’t we’ element of dating is absolutely intoxicating, but then when things eventually work out after painful uncertainty, everything feels a little… flat.

Tinder’s data actually echoes this, with 28% of UK singles saying they enjoy having a crush even if it doesn’t go anywhere i.e. the whole point is the feeling of longing over the actual fruition of a relationship.

And unfortunately the reason it can feel so delicious is because yearning sits in the brain’s same learning mechanism as intermittent reinforcement – and for this example, Dr Tracy uses rats (sorry Heathcliff).

“We can look at the effects of intermittent reinforcement from past behavioural psychology experiments using rats. When a reward was delivered consistently to the rats, their behaviour stayed steady.

“However, when the reward was delivered unpredictably, the behaviour became far more embedded. The uncertainty drove the animal to keep trying. Unpredictable rewards embed action and need far deeper.”

Apart from desperately trying not to make a joke about our exes and rats, how does this relate to our dating lives? Time to reintroduce our dating trend friend breadcrumbing, something which yearning relies upon, according to Dr Tracy.

“Yearning is exactly how breadcrumbing is able to work. A message arrives after silence. Interest appears and disappears. There is just enough contact to keep hope alive, but not enough consistency to create security. People may call this romance, or proof of how much they need and want the other but what is happening is nervous system activation plus a reward loop.”

Yearning suddenly isn’t as sexy when you think of it as a weapon for shitty dating behaviour, is it?

At the moment, pop culture tends to romanticise yearning because it looks like depth of feeling on screen but in real life, it is worth asking a more grounded question: is this feeling coming from mutual connection and real knowledge of the person, or is it being driven by inconsistency and the pull of possibility?

Sure, healthy love might not be as glamorous and sexy as yearning, but maybe we should leave the misery on the Moors and the unpredictable breadcrumbs for the rats.

You’ve probably heard of the orgasm gap: in heterosexual relationships, women statistically have fewer orgasms than men. Much can — and should! — be done to improve that, starting with a better understanding of what your partner needs to reliably get off. A good place to start is upgrading your go-to bedroom moves.

Take the missionary position, for example. You and your partner may count this classic sex position as a favorite because of the intimacy it provides, but sex therapists say one small tweak can take it from “good” to much, much better.

The “coital alignment technique,” aka CAT, is a modified version of missionary sex, where the man rides a little higher, sliding his body up an inch or two so that the base of the penis rubs against the woman’s clitoris.

Here’s a little visual aid:

In one study of women who were unable to orgasm from missionary sex, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, those who learned the CAT reported a 56 percent increase in their orgasm frequency.

CAT is a game-changer because most women need a little clitoral stimulation to get off, said Megan Fleming, a New York City-based psychologist and sex therapist. Penetration alone doesn’t always do the trick.

“Roughly two-thirds of women don’t have an orgasm with penetration alone,” Fleming told HuffPost. “CAT offers direct pressure and rocking and grinding that gives women additional clitoral stimulation.”

So how do you assume the position, so to speak?

Sadie Allison, a sexologist and author of Ride ’Em Cowgirl! Sex Position Secrets for Better Bucking, gave us a rundown:

Start in the traditional missionary position, she said, with a small pillow under the woman’s hips, to give her some lift and support the pelvis angle.

“After you gently slide inside, shift your body up several inches, positioning yourself so your pelvis is directly on top of hers,” she said. “You should be higher up on her now, with your chest near her shoulders versus face-to-face. With this new alignment, your penis shaft is now providing pleasurable friction against her vulva and clitoris with every stroke.”

To up the ante, put a little more work into grinding, Allison said.

“While staying snug and pressed against her, grind and gyrate your pelvis in small circles against her vulva,” she said. “Try visualizing her clitoris as you press on it, and resist the temptation to lift off and thrust in and out. Just keep your penis snugly inside her, and find the rhythm she needs. ”

“You’ll know it’s working when you feel her holding you tighter and pulling you closer with her legs!” she added.

There’s an extra bonus for guys, too, outside of providing partners with intense pleasure, said Lori Buckley, a sex therapist and author of 21 Decisions for Great Sex and A Happy Relationship.

“An extra benefit is that this may also help men last longer since they don’t experience the same heightened arousal that fast, deep thrusting provides,” Buckley said.

Win-win. Now go get busy.

“You made a sex tape?!”

Susannah turned to her husband, Ron, mouth agape. He looked down, his cheeks reddening.

“It was right after college. I was experimenting,” he mumbled, twisting in his seat. “No big deal.”

As a couples therapist, I am always looking for how to mend the frayed edges of a relationship, but Susannah and Ron were different: they had come to my office to end their marriage.

I practice what I call breakup therapy — a short-term treatment I developed for couples who want to end their relationships without bitterness.

The premise is counterintuitive: instead of looking forward toward separate futures, we look backward at the relationship itself. It’s structured to look at the beginning, middle and end of their time together with exercises that focus on both their gratitude as well as their resentment.

The work culminates with the couple crafting a shared narrative about their union and literally writing it down – a story of what worked and ultimately what did not. Then, I ask them to sign it. In this way, they resolve the many unanswered, and often unasked, questions that can trap couples in recriminations and keep them from moving on.

The idea was born from my own bitter divorce. After my split, I was plagued by questions that repeated on an endless loop in my brain: “What was I thinking?”; “Why didn’t I see that red flag?”; “What is wrong with me – I’m a therapist and I should have seen what was happening.”

Then, one day, my therapist asked me a different question: who was I when I decided to marry? Suddenly, my internal feedback loop stopped.

“You’re asking me who I was, not why I married him?” I said, skeptically.

“Yes, I am,” she answered. “Marriages can be as much about identity as they are about a union. What were you trying to solve — or avoid — by marrying him?”

The question unlocked something for me. I’d been full of anger at myself, but I hadn’t really taken responsibility for my own actions. With her help, I crafted a story that I could hold onto about what function the marriage had served for me. Truly owning my choices helped me have more compassion for myself and less anger. The most startling realisation? When I had created a story that hung together, the nagging questions ended for good.

I have seen this same process unfold for many couples. But often, in the course of these sessions, new things surface.

“Susannah?” I said, surprised to hear the hurt in her voice. “This feels like a big deal for you. Why is that?”

Ron and Susannah had not been the most willing subjects for breakup therapy. During our first session, Ron blurted out: “You’re like a medical examiner doing autopsies on dead relationships! Your scalpel hurts. I don’t think you know what it feels like to be humiliated.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I answered softly. “I have a teenager.”

“This feels stupid,” he said on another occasion. “She’s done, I accept that. What is there to say? This feels like horseshit.”

“See what I’m working with here?” Susannah said, throwing up her hands and shifting away from Ron on the couch. “I knew he wouldn’t take this seriously.”

“No, he’s right,” I said. “If it’s really true that you fully accept and understand her decision, Ron, then this is horseshit. But is that true?”

His silence was all the answer I needed.

Over the next few sessions, we went over how they’d fallen in love (“It just made sense, we fit”); the birth of their three children (“The unit held us together”); the unraveling of their connection (“We were ships in the night for as long as I can remember, but then one day I woke up and just wanted more from life”).

We mapped the patterns their marriage had fallen into over the course of three houses, two cross-country moves and their children’s exodus from home. It was a saga spanning decades.

Then, in our fourth session, Ron mentioned the sex tape.

“Something about this is landing hard on you,” I said to Susannah, her mouth still ajar. “Why?”

“Yeah, why?” Ron echoed.

Susannah paused and looked out the window.

“It’s that you … you tried something that – I don’t know – was out there … bold and different.”

A tear welled in a corner of her eye.

“It’s not you. You’re not brave! Or, at least you haven’t been with me, not in all these years together.”

Then she began to cry. Ron and I looked at one another.

“Susannah?” Instantly, I regretted breaking the silence.

“All this time, I decided you just couldn’t try new things,” she managed after a while. “I gave up.”

Ron put up his palms. “What is happening?” he said, exasperated.

“But if you can do that …” she continued. “What was it? Did I just not ask? Did I build my life around a lie?” She looked lost. “Was it that you never really loved me enough?”

She turned back to Ron and banged her fist on the couch.

“I did ask! I asked you to look at porn together when we stopped having sex, to take classes with me, to go on that whale-watching tour. … You just ignored me!”

This time, I held my tongue.

“Is that a thing?” she went on, turning to me. “That you can reach the end of a relationship and not even have known what was possible?”

“I made that tape 30 years ago,” Ron blurted out. “She’s upset over something I did when I was a totally different person!”

This was the impasse that I had expected, that arrives in most of my breakup therapy work – the moment when two people realise that as well as they think they know each other, there are things they don’t know or have lost track of. It’s my job to help them hold that bitter realisation. Then it’s my job to help them arrive at forgiveness or some kind of reconciliation – if not with each other, then with what happened to them.

“It was 30 years ago, Ron,” I said. “But you aren’t a different person. You’re the same person, and she’s wondering why you couldn’t have been that with her.”

I turned to Susannah and said, “You have a right to be hurt, but were you truly honest with him? Did you give him the space and the safety and the encouragement to be that person? Do you think you both can forgive each other for what you weren’t?”

It was three weeks before they appeared again in my office, having canceled two sessions in between appointments.

“I was stirred and moved by what happened here last time,” Susannah began. “When we left, I thought: Maybe there’s enough left between us?”

Ron’s eyes were downcast.

“But I realised I can’t,” she said. “I just can’t open up that part of me with him anymore. I want … I need this divorce.”

I nodded. “Ron? How do you feel?”

“I can see where we are … I’m not fighting it.” His voice broke. “I’m just really sad.”

Often it requires some kind of shock to break through the built-up layers of anger, resentment and disappointment in a couple in order to illuminate the cracks in their relationship – something true that has been avoided or left unsaid. In this case, it was the surprise of an ancient transgressive act that lay bare how little they knew each other and how misaligned they’d become.

Susannah moved closer to Ron on the couch and laced her fingers with his.

“You guys seem calmer – closer. Tell me what you are feeling,” I said.

I knew something about that calm after the storm. After my own divorce, we had maintained an uneasy truce for years, until one long car ride after dropping our daughter at camp. As we rode in silence, I suddenly remembered my therapist’s question: Who was I when I decided to get married? For the next two hours, we talked over that question and everything else, and together realised how lonely we had been — two Israelis who, instead of understanding why we had both chosen to leave, had clung to each other and to a shared language. Before long, we were laughing as we had not laughed since the early days of our marriage.

“So, where do we go from here?” Ron asked me in their last session.

“Well, in my experience, when a marriage ends, a different relationship can sometimes be created,” I said. “That’s up to you guys. All endings are sad, but not all endings have to leave you broken. There’s an opportunity here to get to know each other in a different way. And …” I leaned forward to make eye contact with each of them “… to know yourselves better.”

After they left, I sat quietly in my chair for a while. I allowed myself to remember that moment in my therapist’s office when I realised that I had been using my marriage to escape a question I had been avoiding and what a relief it had been to finally face it.

When a sex tape from decades ago unlocks two people’s grief, it’s not so much about the end of the road as it is about the roads never taken – the versions of a marriage they never tried. It is a sad moment, but also a generative one.

They’d come to me to bury their marriage. What they found instead was a way to know each other – maybe for the first time in years – even as they said goodbye.

Note: Names and some details have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals appearing in this essay.

Sarah Gundle, Psy.D., is a psychologist in private practice and an assistant professor at the Icahn School of Medicine, Mount Sinai Medical Center. She is currently writing a book about breakups. You can find her on Instagram @dear_dr_sarah.

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.