Expert comment provided by BACP-accredited counsellor Natasha Nyeke and BACP-accredited therapist Lisa Gates.

If you’ve read, watched, or heard any relationship advice in the past few years, chances are you’ve heard of “attachment styles”.

These are part of attachment theory, which was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby. He thought that the way our parents interacted with us as children affects how they get close to, or drift apart from, others as adults.

Broadly, these have been split into four groups: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised.

An avoidant attachment style is associated with avoiding intimacy, dismissing others, running from relationships that feel too close, and struggling with commitment issues.

But it turns out that not all avoidantly attached people have “overt”, or clear, avoidance tactics. Nope – sometimes, counsellor Natasha Nyeke and therapist Lisa Gates told us, the signs of “covert” avoidance can be so hard to spot, they appear like devotion.

“When people think of avoidance in relationships, they often picture someone pulling away, working longer hours, drinking more, staying out late, shutting down or becoming defensive during difficult conversations. That’s overt avoidance. The distance is visible,” Nyeke said.

But with covert avoidance, that gap can be a lot more subtle.

Nyeke says that the person may look “present, committed, even devoted” while feeling a growing distance between themselves and their loved ones, the counsellor explained.

“Covert avoidance is hidden and indirect [and] is often internalised,” Gates agreed.

One of the reasons it can be so hard to spot is that many of the signs are internal and almost look like extreme dedication on the outside.

“The person may look present, committed, even devoted,” Nyeke said.

“They might lean in harder, taking on more, over-preparing, or becoming indispensable, but underneath, in both cases, they are struggling to tolerate feelings of vulnerability, helplessness or uncertainty.”

And, Gates stated, a person may replay “fearful scenarios in relationships that shift the focus away from real-life exposure and taking action,” or “use coping strategies such as rumination, dissociation, or quietly withdraw from a distressing situation.”

Gates also explained,“Procrastination and cognitive distortions that delay having challenging conversations, such as wanting the ‘right time’ to occur, mean the individual does not engage in the actions they need to take.”

Sometimes, they have an “fantasise about the success or failure of communicating with another person without acting on these fantasies in the real world. Other patterns are not making eye contact, or chronic worry or apprehension about something unrelated that masks the real distress.”

If this sounds like you, both of the experts say help is at hand.

“At its core, this often links back to self-esteem. If someone doesn’t fully trust that who they are, without over-performing or withdrawing, is enough, vulnerability can feel risky. Avoidance becomes a way of staying safe,” Nyeke told us.

“Avoidance isn’t a character flaw; it’s a protective strategy. The work in therapy is gently building the confidence that being emotionally honest doesn’t equal being rejected, and accepting that who you are is enough.”

And Gates thinks that staying mindful in times of avoidance can be helpful. Thinking things like “I notice I’m avoiding talking to that person, even though I want a connection,” can make you more aware of your behaviour and help you to identify patterns.

Then, she says, consider a positive first step, such as: “I’ll explore this collaboratively with a trusted friend using non-blaming communication for 10 minutes and then reassess.”

Be honest about your own feelings, and try grounding techniques if you’re feeling out of control or distressed.

“Therapists may use ACT, Exposure therapy or Psychodynamic methods to explore covert avoidance.”

There have always been generational conflicts, but the chasm between baby boomers (born between 1946 and 1964) and other generations after them seems particularly hard to bridge.

Between changing values, hyper-polarised politics, and the radical shift in financial stability and opportunity, it doesn’t take a genius to see why some younger individuals find it challenging to relate to their elders.

As challenging as it may feel sometimes, there’s a simple solution for those wanting to experience more closeness with their boomer relatives and to understand them better: ask more questions.

Simple curiosity, by way of a thoughtful question, can make people feel heard and respected – and can also help change your perspective on why someone you love thinks the way they do, why they are the way they are. That dialogue may prove to be one of the most rewarding ones you undertake.

“In my work with families, I’ve noticed that older relatives are rarely waiting to be corrected,” Anna Marchenko, a licensed mental health counsellor and principal practitioner at Miami Hypnosis and Therapy, tells HuffPost.

“What they tend to want is to be understood in the context of the world they grew up in. These questions often slow conversations down in a way that makes real understanding possible.”

HuffPost asked family therapists to suggest some starter questions boomer relatives wish they’d get asked more – and they may appreciate having these conversations more than you could ever know.

If you’re new to opening this kind of dialogue with an older relative, the best start is often… to ask what they want to be asked. Yes, it’s a little like cheating, but this question in itself can lead the way to so much understanding on both sides.

This question “gets at what a parent may want to share more in their relationship with you,” Sarah Epstein, a marriage and family therapist who specialises in family dysfunction, told HuffPost. “Maybe they wish you asked about their health, their hobbies, their careers or their travels.”

For Epstein, this question can open the door to a new dynamic between your parent or older relative and you. “Asking shows an interest in not only having parents support you, but you to invest in them,” she said. “You can then lean into that more by asking about their current excitement and stressors.”

Remember: the point of asking questions in the first place is to allow your relative to feel heard, so open-ended and even apparently vague conversation starters work like a charm.

Imagine you were meeting a new friend for coffee. You are likely to ask questions about their upbringing. While you may already know the basics about your relative, like where they grew up and how many siblings they have, asking them about their family of origin is an amazing way to get to know them better – and even forge a new kind of relationship with them.

As well as the more general, “What was your family like?” Epstein also recommends asking more specific questions, such as, “What were your parents like?” or “Who in your extended family were you closest with and who were you not close with?”

“As their child, you only see their adult relationships, not the ones they experienced as children themselves,” Epstein said. “Asking these kinds of questions humanises parents to their children and other younger relatives, and gives parents a chance to tell their children more about themselves. It opens up possible vulnerable topics, like what felt good and what felt difficult in their upbringing and how they managed that.”

This is an amazing question to get people to reflect on what the world’s expectations of them might have cost them – as well as any gifts they might have brought.

When asked this question, “people usually talk about pressure rather than nostalgia,” Marchenko said. “They describe growing up fast, being needed early, and making tradeoffs that were not optional. It helps younger relatives see that many values were shaped by necessity rather than preference.”

This line of questioning may also naturally lead into other similar revelations from your older relative, such as how systems of power worked in the environment they grew up in and what beliefs their upbringing created that they may have challenged later in life, says Marchenko.

One of the greatest obstacles to creating mutually respectful relationships with our older relatives today is the stark difference in values and politics younger generations often have. But phrasing a question like this opens the door to curiosity rather than immediately creating defensiveness.

“This avoids debates about progress and invites reflection instead,” Marchenko said. “People speak about gains and losses at the same time, which allows disagreement without turning anyone into the problem.”

“This reframes older generations as caretakers rather than obstacles,” Marchenko said. “The answers are usually less about advice and more about values, restraint, and hard-earned perspective.”

This is a great question because they may have previously avoided sharing their thoughts on this subject for fear of how they might be received. For you, hearing about how your relative views their potential legacy may also be eye-opening and perspective-shifting.

In the same way that you may find some aspects of your relationship with your older relative difficult, they might too. If you can ask this question and receive the answer without getting defensive, the two of you might be able to work together to deepen the relationship and smooth over areas of discontent.

“When you ask straight out how the relationship feels, you can start to have open, honest discussions about how the relationship is going,” Epstein said. “It may turn out you each have things you love doing together, or discussing, that you can double down on. You may also identify things your relative has been feeling about the relationship that you can then work on together. The easiest route to clarity is gently, respectfully asking about the other person’s experience.”

I could tell you my marriage ended. But that wouldn’t be the whole story. The truth is I slowly and quietly destroyed my marriage while convincing myself everything was fine.

I’m an average guy. I had a good job, and I showed up physically. I paid the bills. I provided. I thought that was enough. I thought love was something you earned once and then just… had.

I grew up in a small town in rural western Kentucky, raised in church by a devoted mother. Faith was familiar. Scripture was familiar. People watched me grow up and assumed I’d be fine. I assumed it, too.

My parents divorced when I was five. After that, I saw my father three times before he died. No birthdays. No calls. No effort. For years, he lived a mile from me, and I never knocked on his door. I didn’t have the courage. We joked about it when we drove by his house, but jokes are sometimes just a mask for pain.

I didn’t realise then how much that absence shaped me. I learned how to be likeable. How to avoid confrontation. How to be “fine” instead of honest.

When she walked into church one Sunday in a red dress back in the summer of 2014, the world stopped. I still see it clearly. Third row from the back, sliding past her family to the middle of the pew. She didn’t know what she did to me just by walking in. I remember thinking, Don’t screw this up.

She had a way of making rooms feel warmer without trying. A confidence that wasn’t loud. A softness that wasn’t weak. She laughed easily, but she also carried depth. She noticed people. She listened. She remembered things I forgot.

When I told her I loved her and she said it back, something settled deep in me. Well, after my heart exploded in my chest. It felt safe. Certain. Like I had finally landed somewhere.

I loved her in ways that were quiet and ordinary. I loved how she moved through the world. She loved the beach, and I loved watching her stand at the edge of the water, red swimsuit with white trim, dipping her toes in and hesitating. She was terrified of sharks and whatever else she thought might await her out there. She would cling to me as I pulled her farther out, trusting me even when she was afraid.

I loved the way she looked at night when everything was quiet. Wearing one of my T-shirts, ratty pyjama shorts, hair a mess, no makeup. No one has ever looked better with no makeup. Standing at the end of the bed rubbing lotion on her arms, talking about something small that felt important just because she was saying it. I would watch her and think, This is it.

And still, I didn’t protect it.

I loved her voice. I loved the way she sang karaoke without fear. I loved how she laughed at herself. I loved how hard she tried. How much she gave.

And then, years later, when she said yes to my proposal, something in me relaxed. I thought the work was done.

I didn’t stop loving her. I stopped being careful with her heart. I stopped listening the way I used to. I stopped noticing when she was tired. I stopped hearing what she was really saying. I defended myself, instead of protecting us. I crossed lines I knew better than to cross. I hid things because honesty felt inconvenient.

I didn’t lose my wife all at once. I lost her in pieces.

For 10 years, I quietly gave her hell. Through defensiveness. Through distraction. Through choosing comfort over connection. Through the nights I chose screens, hobbies or “me time” over sitting next to her. Through moments where she needed my presence.

She warned me. She told me she was tired. She told me she felt alone. She told me she was losing feelings. She said it more than once. More than twice. I treated those words like background noise. Something to address later. Something that could wait.

I thought love would wait.

On Christmas morning in 2025, everything looked normal. The kids were laughing. Wrapping paper everywhere. A life built together doing what it had always done. But when I looked at her, her eyes were empty. Not angry. Not sad. Just done.

When she asked me to leave, I told myself it was temporary. I said what I needed to say to get back to feeling comfortable. A week later, it wasn’t temporary anymore.

I moved into an apartment. Friends told me I’d be home soon. I wanted to believe them. But something inside me knew I wouldn’t be.

There is a special kind of loneliness that comes from grieving someone who is still alive. Your brain lies to you and tells you there’s hope because she’s breathing, because you can still see her. But your heart knows when something sacred has already left the room.

Finally, the lights came on.

Years ago, my mum bought me glasses to help improve my colour-blindness. When I put them on, I cried. Colours I had never seen before exploded into view. That’s what this was like – except it wasn’t colours. It was her.

I saw everything clearly. The love she gave. Her patience. Her effort. All the times she stayed when she shouldn’t have. And then I saw myself, from her side, without excuses. I realised that I didn’t lose her suddenly – I lost her slowly, choice by choice.

I let the pain hurt. Sleepless nights. Knots in my stomach. A heaviness that didn’t lift when the sun came up. Somewhere in that pain, I began to change.

Not to win her back. I changed because I couldn’t live as that man anymore.

I am learning not to waste time on things that just fill gaps in the day, but to focus on the things that truly make an impact in my life. I have learned to lean on God in a way that I never have in my life. I’ve learned “I’m sorry” has to be more than just words. I am learning to be a man.

Every day, I ask myself one question: How can I love her today – even if she never comes back? Sometimes that means prayer. Sometimes silence. Sometimes restraint. Sometimes doing the right thing knowing she’ll never see it and never know.

Our old home feels different now. I see unfinished projects. Cracks I never fixed. The effort I postponed because I thought there would always be time.

I wish I had been more present. I wish I had soaked in the moments instead of multitasking my way through them. I wish I had taken more pictures. More videos.

I still love her deeply. I probably always will. I don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I don’t know when this pain will ease or when I will no longer feel the urge to crawl back into her presence.

The world doesn’t stop turning, so we move forward. But we don’t have to move forward blind. I pray there will be another chance for me to find this kind of love again in the future. If I do, I will walk into it as a man with a scar – one that will instruct me on how to love for the rest of my life.

If my story keeps one man from assuming love will wait, from believing tomorrow is guaranteed, then something good came from the wreckage.

Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Logan Durall is a pseudonym for a writer who hopes other men might learn from his example before it’s too late.

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.

It seems that adults have fewer close friends these days than they did 30 years ago – in the ’90s, a third of us said we had 10 close friends or more, but by the 2020s, that dropped to 13%.

Not only that, but friendships – which research suggests tend to fade away at around age 25 anyway – are getting more expensive.

Perhaps it’s no wonder that around a quarter of UK adults say they feel lonely “often, always or some of the time”.

But making friends as an adult can feel difficult. So, we thought we’d share some science-backed ways to boost your social life:

For years, I waited for a friendship “meet-cute” – maybe I’d find someone with my exact same interests and a similar personality by some unlikely chance.

But science says I was barking up the wrong tree. One study found that those who thought friendship was a matter of luck were likelier to feel more lonely five years later.

Those who believed that making friends took conscious effort, meanwhile, fared far better socially.

A 2021 study found that people who sat next to each other in classrooms were more likely to become friends.

And the same seemed to be true for adults in college classrooms – another paper found that university students who came to class regularly, even when they didn’t talk to their classmates, were seen as more likeable than those who also didn’t interact and showed up less often.

Though you might not be in college or school anymore, the lesson likely holds true across volunteering groups and meet-ups like book and running clubs.

Science suggests that believing people will like and accept you makes you easier to get along with. When researchers told participants of one study that they were going to be accepted into a group, they shared with their new acquaintances and were more positive and less disagreeable.

The inverse seems to be true, too. Another paper showed that when people expect rejection, they read socially ambiguous behaviours – like being quiet – more negatively, taking them as a sign that a person doesn’t like them. In response, they behave in a colder, more defensive manner.

You might think that the most important factor when choosing friends is compatibility. But some research says that the number one trait people look for in a new friend is feeling liked and valued.

Further research, which followed new friend pairs for months, found that those who showed affection for one another were likeliest to stay together.

Cringe-inducing as it may feel at first, being open and clear about liking a person seems to go a long way to making – and keeping – new friendships.

There’s a common experience when you start dating someone new and have “the talk” about previous relationships. Maybe later you look up their ex on Instagram and scroll a little.

You take in the old homecoming photos, beach vacations, the anniversary captions from years before you were in the picture. Maybe you feel a small pang – a flicker of comparison or curiosity – and then you move on.

But for some people, that fleeting discomfort doesn’t fade. It lingers, loops and starts to feel less like curiosity and more like a threat. That emotional experience can quickly cross into more extreme territory: retroactive jealousy.

Below, relationship experts break down what retroactive jealousy really is, what it might reveal about you and how to keep it from undermining your relationship in the present.

“Retroactive jealousy is when someone experiences strong feelings of anxiety and jealousy around their partner’s past romantic history or even experiences that happened before you existed in their life,” said Priya Tahim, a licensed professional counsellor. “It’s not curiosity but what feels like an active threat in your present relationship.”

People experiencing retroactive jealousy become strongly fixated on their significant other’s previous relationships and any romantic encounters that occurred before they even met.

“In relationships, this often shows up as obsessing over a partner’s exes or past hookups, replaying details you wish you never heard or feeling way more upset than the situation calls for when the past comes up,” said Julie Nguyen, a dating coach with the dating app Hily. “You might ask a lot of questions, compare yourself to people you’ve never met, scroll through old photos or feel a rush of anxiety when a name or memory gets mentioned.”

Retroactive jealousy can lead you to focus on how your attractiveness, career success and other attributes compare to their ex’s.

“In relationships, it often manifests as intrusive thoughts, where you are constantly making mental comparisons to idealised past partners, or repeated questioning about exes and the perceived ways in which they are ‘better,’” said clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff.

She added that you might replay imagined scenarios or feel emotionally dysregulated when learning about trips your partner took with their ex or certain milestones they reached.

“Retroactive jealousy can manifest as repeatedly seeking details, spiraling after reminders, stalking exes online or needing reassurance that never quite sticks,” Tahim added.

“Most of the time, retroactive jealousy has less to do with your partner’s past and more to do with what’s coming up inside you,” Nguyen said. “It’s common in people with anxiety or an anxious attachment style, especially if there’s an underlying fear of not being enough.”

Even in a relationship that is otherwise solid, someone experiencing retroactive jealousy might have a nervous system that’s on high alert, scanning for any sign that they could be left or replaced.

“Most people don’t love thinking about their partner’s romantic or sexual history,” said Sarah Barukh, a therapist with Kindman & Co.

“For some, that discomfort taps into a deeper question of whether or not they are ‘enough’ for their partner. With retroactive jealousy, that question can get really loud and start to sound like, ‘Does my partner actually want me, or am I just the person they ended up with? Would they choose someone else if circumstances were different?’”

Retroactive jealousy tends to reflect underlying insecurities, fear of uncertainty, trust issues, an inferiority complex and/or a lack of self-confidence. There might even have been a past betrayal, such as cheating.

“Although most problems in relationships are co-constructed, retroactive jealousy is often rooted in problems in early attachment and deep-rooted fears of abandonment and co-dependency,” Romanoff said. “It’s often less about their partner making them feel insecure, and more about their difficulty with ever feeling ‘chosen’ enough so they can feel safe.”

So retroactive jealousy typically doesn’t say much about the quality of your relationship, though it can certainly affect it.

“People with retroactive jealousy may also struggle with relationship OCD, as they attempt to soothe the lack of inner safety through external fixation – which unfortunately can only truly be resolved from within,” Romanoff said.

“Retroactive jealousy can show up as a constant need for reassurance, lack of trust and create emotional unsafe spaces within yourself or the relationship,” Tahim said. “If unaddressed, it can strain relationships by creating resentment by letting the past take up space where the present should be.”

Taking focus away from the current relationship can lead to anxiety and emotional distance. Compounded over time, retroactive jealousy takes a toll on relationships.

“Partners may start to feel frustrated, interrogated or punished for a past they can’t change,” Nguyen said. “Trust can slowly erode, not because of betrayal, but because the past keeps getting pulled into the present.”

A little jealousy is understandable, but retroactive jealousy can feel all-consuming, pushing people away.

“The partner on the receiving end may feel frustrated or helpless, especially if they are loyal and committed but feel like nothing they say fully reassures the other person,” Barukh said.

Even the most patient partner can become inflamed or worn down by the strain of unceasing irritability and assurance-seeking. That’s why it’s crucial for the person feeling retroactive jealousy to address it.

“Without the introspection and accountability of understanding how they’re contributing to the turmoil, their romantic relationships often end,” Romanoff said.

“Everyone has a past, and you don’t have to be completely healed before entering a relationship – but self-awareness and a willingness to address what’s underneath the jealousy matter,” Tahim said.

“By focusing on the root fears, limiting comparison, grounding yourself in the present and choosing growth, you can work through retroactive jealousy without letting it define the relationship. It’s not an easy hurdle to climb, but it’s not impossible.”

Awareness and acceptance are crucial in this process.

“The most important insight is to understand you can be feeling high levels of anxiety and distress, and also know your distress doesn’t mean your partner committed an infraction against you,” Romanoff noted. “Your emotions are valid and need to be addressed, but the way you are acting on them, as if they are fact, is hurting you and your ability to have healthy relationships.”

The goal is to cut off the cycle of gathering more information and seeking reassurance, which soothes anxiety in the short term but is unhealthy in the long run.

“The first step is being honest about it, with yourself and with your partner,” Nguyen said. “It’s about letting them know this is something you’re struggling with so the fears don’t continue to dominate the relationship. It’s also important to understand that digging for more details rarely helps. No amount of information or reassurance can make the past feel safer.”

Instead, focus on finding a sense of emotional safety in the present.

“This could mean actively practicing self-soothing skills when you’re feeling particularly activated – for example, grounding exercises, breathing exercises, getting regular physical activity and going for more walks,” Romanoff said.

You can develop a mindfulness practice to help you stay grounded in moments when harmful thoughts start to spiral.

“In some cases, discomfort about a partner’s past can be connected to things that haven’t been fully talked about or resolved,” Barukh said. “Sometimes a partner hasn’t shared much about their past because it feels awkward or vulnerable. In other cases, there may be unresolved feelings that haven’t been addressed. Those situations do deserve honest conversations.”

In addition to talking to your partner, consider working with a therapist to unpack the underlying fears and issues driving your retroactive jealousy.

“It can be really important to gently turn the focus inward and ask why it feels so hard to accept that someone you respect, or love, sees you as worthy of being with them,” Barukh said. “People who struggle with retroactive jealousy are often pretty hard on themselves. Self-compassion really matters here, and it helps to remember that a lot of people experience some version of this.

When it comes to managing life with future in-laws, it’s not always easy to determine what those dynamics will look like.

Various circumstances, from the introduction of grandchildren to the equation or geographic location (and proximity), can also play a role in the dynamics you have.

Relationships can change over time, and behaviours can totally evolve as people grow more comfortable with one another.

That said, there are a few factors to consider when trying to determine whether or not your relationships with your in-laws might pose a challenge for you and your partner down the line.

We turned to family therapists to find out what some of the red flags might be, how to navigate them with your partner and how to cope with any lingering negative feelings.

Here are three major signs that might predict you’ll have tense relationships with your in-laws.

Challenges with boundaries are a common complaint that people have regarding in-laws, and it’s one that family therapists see often as well.

“I often see boundary issues as an early warning sign,” Amanda E. White, LPC, licensed therapist and CEO of Therapy for Women Center, told HuffPost. “If someone’s partner would never let a friend drop by unannounced, but thinks it’s fine when their mother does, that inconsistency [could be] a problem.”

When boundary issues come into play early on in the form of unexpected visits or overreaching, it could be an indicator that these challenges might worsen over time, particularly if grandchildren become involved.

According to therapists, it helps if couples are aligned on what their boundaries are and how they’d like them to be respected. “If one partner takes over leading all the boundary conversations with the in-laws, it creates triangulation and scapegoating,” White said, adding that it can be helpful for the person whose direct family is involved to take the first line of communication.

Additionally, it’s worth remembering that setting a boundary doesn’t have to be combative.

“A boundary is not punitive; it simply shows where the line is,” Caitlin Slavens, registered psychologist and clinical director at Couples to Cradles Counselling, told HuffPost.

Similar to boundary issues, there can sometimes be challenges when a partner can’t separate their own life or identity from those of their parents. “This often looks like a partner who struggles to prioritise their relationship over keeping their parents happy,” White said.

In this case, it can also help to talk with your partner, but the key is to approach the conversation with compassion and empathy. “It is important to recognise that your partner has had a lifetime of experiences with their family before you entered the picture,” Slavens said, advising people to focus on how certain behaviors make them feel as opposed to being accusatory.

“Instead of saying, ’Your mom is overbearing,’ try, ‘I feel uneasy after your mom questions our parenting decisions every time we go there. It can be hard to relax when I am there,” Slavens continued. “What can we do to be on the same page the next time your mom comments on our parenting choices?’”

Ultimately, this is another area where being aligned as a couple is important, and in order to reach alignment, communication is imperative.

“What therapists see over and over again are the consequences of putting off addressing these issues rather than moving towards the challenge,” Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist, founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, told HuffPost.

“The counsel here is for the concerned partner to state their sincere desire to have the best relationship possible with future in-laws. While it may be harder in the short term, it’s better to talk openly about concerns.”

We tend to think of problems with in-laws as arguments, tension-driven conversations, or full-on fights, but one of the biggest signs that there could be challenges down the line is if everyone avoids conflict altogether.

“In most cases there’s incentive to avoid conflict because the relationship [with the in-laws] isn’t optional and because open conflict can strain a relationship with one’s spouse,” Lundquist said. “Therefore, much of this conflict stays hidden.”

Even if conflict is avoided, you might still feel the tension simmering. This can lead to feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner’s family, or that a fight could be brewing at any moment. Oftentimes, this dynamic arises when your partner grew up in a conflict-avoidant household.

“I [would] pay attention to how conflict gets handled in their family system,” White agreed. “If disagreements are avoided or swept under the rug, those patterns will show up in the relationship with in-laws.”

Therapists agree that even though having conversations about boundaries and relationships can be uncomfortable, avoiding those conversations can make things far worse over time.

“The conversation may be uncomfortable, but that is why it is important to have it,” Slavens said. “Being uncomfortable usually means it is worth discussing further.”

Sometimes, even after communication, you may still have lingering negative feelings surrounding your in-laws. It can help to remember that this is very normal and common, and you certainly aren’t the first person to feel this way.

“Having these feelings does not make you unkind,” said Slavens, adding that it can be valuable to reflect on your emotions, either through journalling or talking with a friend, family member or therapist.

“Remember, joining another family can be complicated, especially when roles, boundaries, expectations, and values differ. It can help to reframe negative self-talk, such as reminding yourself, ‘I can be both a loving person and not allow others to disrespect me.’”

White suggested finding ways to self-regulate before and after your interactions with future in-laws. “For example, [consider] taking a walk before gatherings, debriefing with their partner afterward, or setting time limits on visits,” White said, encouraging people to recognise what they can and can’t control.

“They cannot control their in-laws’ behaviour or opinions. They can control how much time they spend with them, what information they share, and how they respond.”

It’s important to recognise that there are times when outside help may be essential. According to therapists, counselling can be helpful when a couple cannot seem to get on the same page.

“Part of what makes these relationships so difficult is that they exist for the adult child at the intersection of two families, what we call the ‘family-of-origin’ and the new family they’re building with their spouse,” Lundquist said, pointing out that this person is now in the middle and may feel pulled in two directions. In those instances, talking to a counsellor or therapist may be beneficial.

Further, it’s worth remembering that you don’t have to wait until the conflict has reached an impossible level in order to seek out counselling.

“Consulting a counsellor or family therapist can be a preventative step in navigating family dynamics in a healthy way,” Slavens said. “If stress around in-laws is causing anxiety, self-doubt, or affecting your relationships, those are signs to seek professional support.”

And speaking to HuffPost UK, relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, said there are “a few types of phrases that almost always do more harm than good in a relationship,” too.

“Many of these aren’t mainly about what you say, but about when you use them, and how they shut down a conversation or augment in a way that blames your partner and leaves them feeling that their version [of events] doesn’t matter,” she added.

Here, she shared five hurtful comments she thinks we should avoid using with our partner.

One of the Gottman Institute’s four horsemen of divorce is criticism, especially ad hominem critiques, which turn issues with your partner into comments about their person.

Phrases like “you always [do xyz]” can tie “one personal trait to [your partner’s] whole identity… with no nuance,” said Roos.

When comments like these are “thrown in your face, the reaction is often to go into defence mode, and the situation tends to escalate into a dirty fight.”

Dismissive, sarcastic, and diminishing statements, which suggest your partner is overreacting, are a no-go, said Roos.

They “signal that [your] partner’s feelings aren’t valid and not to be taken as equal to yours, which in the long run makes… their opinion and voice less valued.

“That’s no way to build a healthy, happy and respectful relationship.”

These “manipulative” terms are unfair, Roos told us.

“Using these makes you push your partner into a certain behaviour, and you make them earn your love, which is extremely unfair, harsh and manipulative.”

It also “makes them very tense and afraid of doing wrong, where they feel their love isn’t enough.”

Comparing your relationship to another couple’s, or even your own ex, should be avoided as much as possible.

It “makes your partner compete with others instead of making you a team against the world, which leads to feelings of not being good enough,” the therapist said.

These can be tricky, Roos said, because at first glance, they can have the veneer of consideration.

But often, she said, they’re “actually loaded with anger and bitterness, which leads to a very tense atmosphere between you”. They can force your partner to do the hard work of noticing, bringing up, and “managing” problems you don’t want the effort of addressing.

Instead of this, try to “clear the air by saying what you really think”, and assume responsibility in your relationship by taking a position rather than leaving all the work to your partner.

Overall, Roos said, “Phrases that make your partner feel shamed, diminished, less worthy or manipulated have no room in a healthy relationship. Instead, say what you have on your mind and how you’re feeling, but in a respectful, nuanced, constructive and solution-oriented way that’s not aggressive or confronting.

“That will lead to a more peaceful, stable and happy relationship where both feel needed, seen and equal.”

If you have never heard the dating term “situationship,” 1) consider yourself lucky, and 2) allow us to explain.

The term is used to define a relationship that isn’t, well, defined. It’s less than an established relationship and more than a friendship, though I’d argue “friends with benefits” doesn’t count as a situationship, because that can have clear terms.

“Situationships”, meanwhile, are often characterised by mismatched intention, uncertainty, and frustration. Most daters seem to want to avoid situationships; they are something singles sometimes fall into.

But according to a 2025 survey of 1,000 people in the UK by greetings card marketplace thortful, more and more daters are ending up in situationships. In fact, searches for “situationship quotes for him/her” have doubled on their site.

Of those in situationships, their survey found these were the most common types:

This involves “texting and flirting ending by becoming official or fading out”.

You might never meet a “talking stage” in person. Most of the contact is online or through text and calls: it’s not unlike a “textationship”. These can go on for years with zero IRL contact, and may sometimes lead daters to think their time has been wasted.

In this case, a pair might “act like a couple, but never have the label or commitment”.

This can sometimes lead to difficult not-quite-breakups.

In this case, there’s no physical element to the relationship. Instead, a pair might experience a “deep emotional connection” without any commitment or sexual contact.

It can feel like an undecided “flirty friendship” that leaves you with a lot of uncertainty.

These “exist due to proximity only”: you might get with someone when you two are close together, but for at least one party, that geographical convenience is the biggest factor in the relationship.

It’s similar to “zip-coding”.

In this case, “you’re filling time until something ‘better’ comes along”, thortful said.

It might involve “Shrekking,” or choosing someone you don’t think is as attractive as you, because you believe that might mean they’ll be grateful for your time. Speaking to HuffPost UK previously, psychologist Dr Carolina Estevez said: “These trends normalise dishonesty and avoidance, eroding trust and self-esteem and lowering relationship satisfaction”.