Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use
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Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use



Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We’re both in good health. We have one child who is an adult and lives independently but close by.

My husband and I enjoy marijuana now that it has been legalized in our state. Between the two of us, we smoke one joint after 7 p.m. about four days a week. We also enjoy it on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.

Lately, when our adult child has been over to visit and we step away to share a joint, they’ll comment “I thought you only smoked on these days” or something to that extent. I feel like they’re keeping tabs on us, or even judging us by saying, “OK” in a disapproving way.

We are never in a “far out” state of mind after we smoke (or eat edibles). It relaxes us to enjoy music, watch a funny movie or program until we get tired and go to bed. If we had to go somewhere in an emergency, we would Uber it. Our adult child is aware of this.

I’d like to mention that up to a year ago, this adult child smoked marijuana with us at times. They had some health issues that have since been taken care of. They’re not anti-marijuana but seem to be focusing on our use. It makes me uneasy in my own home when this happens. Sometimes we have to “sneak” it in while they’re visiting to avoid any questions/comments.

When these comments start coming, I want to tell this adult child that it’s none of their business what we do in our home. I feel policed and judged by them. I also feel like I don’t have to explain anything. Any advice?

— Senior High

Dear High: Bring it up to your child in a neutral manner and ask your adult child to have a discussion with you about it. Start by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that when we smoke, you often comment.” Then explain how you feel when that happens and ask them if you’re reading the situation in the way they’re intending. Something like, “when that happens, it makes me wonder if you think we’re using marijuana too much. Do you?”

The goal of the conversation is to get and give more information. Maybe your child’s response is more about their own journey, and they don’t realize how they’re coming off. Or maybe they do have concerns. If the latter turns out to be the case, it’s better for both of you that those concerns are verbalized. It’s up to you whether you agree with those concerns and whether you decide to make a change. But by opening the door to a conversation about what’s being said, you free both yourself and your child from interior narratives that can cause resentments.

Dear Eric: My 80-year-old sister lives alone after her husband passed away a long time ago and has no children. She lies so much that it’s upsetting.

She lies to everyone around her about her previous job and even her education. She even tells the senior center that her children live out of state.

She used to be a poet and published two books, but she lied about her education in the author bios.

I’ve repeatedly told her that lying is wrong, but she refuses to listen to my advice. It’s sad that I can’t respect her like this, but sometimes I even hate her. What should I do as her sister? I want to be honest with everyone around me about my sister, but I also have to consider her pride.

— Upset Younger Sister

Dear Sister: Lying this much indicates that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps it’s psychological, perhaps it’s emotional. Perhaps she’s trying to cope with grief or disappointment or shame. It’s not for me to diagnose.




Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use
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Asking Eric: Students give teacher gifts but her boyfriend objects



Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use

Dear Eric: I have been a preschool teacher for more than 20 years. There are a few times throughout the year where the kids and their parents give us gifts, which of course is optional. Those occasions are Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Teacher Appreciation Week and Graduation.

I have never asked for, nor do I expect to receive gifts from the families, but am always thankful when I receive them, and I express my appreciation and gratitude for their gift.

It doesn’t happen often, but it does feel good when the families appreciate all of our hard work.

My boyfriend thinks I should be humble and modest and tell the kids and their families that I don’t want their gifts and to give it to someone else who needs them. He feels that handmade gifts are better. While I do agree that I don’t do this for the gifts, I disagree with me telling the families and especially the 3- and 4-year-old children that I do not want their gifts, especially when they are so excited to give them to me because they bought or picked it out themselves.

I feel like part of the joy is in the giving, and seeing my reaction to their thoughtful gift, and I refuse to crush the giving spirit that their families are trying to instill in their children. I’m not sure how much more humble and modest I can be.

Am I in the wrong for accepting gifts?

— Gifted Educator

Dear Gifted: Not guilty! (Bangs gigantic imaginary gavel!) Your boyfriend is putting too much thought into something that doesn’t really concern him. I don’t have to tell you how hard teachers work or how important you are to the healthy development of the children you teach. If some of the parents want to express their gratitude for the (hopefully well-paid, but usually not well-paid-enough) work you do, let them!

Gift-giving is a form of communication, and it can be quite good for children to learn one way of expressing thanks. It doesn’t sound like you’re making a huge deal out of it or creating a situation where students without gifts would feel ashamed. It sounds like this is something between you, the individual kids, and their respective parents.

Sure, handmade gifts are nice, too. But it strikes me as a bit ungrateful, and perhaps controlling, to demand that parents supervise another craft project rather than buying you a gift card. How they show their thanks is up to them.

If you, in turn, want to pass the gift on to someone else who needs it, that’s your prerogative. But I don’t think you need to protest more to the parents. Sometimes, when people want to say, “thank you,” the best response is “you’re welcome.”

Dear Eric: I have been in a wonderful, committed relationship for nine years but we do not live together. We are both advanced seniors whose families got along and were pleased that we were together.

The day before Thanksgiving his daughter, out of the blue, verbally attacked me over something insignificant. Her rant lasted 10 minutes while my boyfriend just sat there and said nothing.

I was totally surprised by her attack but even more so that he didn’t step in and say something to stop it. Her husband, on the other hand, interjected several times on her behalf.

I have been there for him for numerous hospital stays, Covid, joint replacements and the flu while his daughter only came once for two hours during his last hospital stay. I am disappointed, hurt and angry at both of them. On one hand I want to get past this but then do I really want to be in a situation where my man doesn’t stand up for me?




‘I Read My Teen’s Messages And Saw Something Inappropriate’
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‘I Read My Teen’s Messages And Saw Something Inappropriate’


Most children of secondary school age (we’re talking 12- to 15-year-olds) have a smartphone – and some of them will be allowed to have one on the condition they’re happy to give their device up every now and then for their parents to check.

But what happens if, during one of these checks, you spot something that makes your heart sink? And what about if your teen hasn’t given you permission to check their phone, but you’ve seen a notification flash up that’s left you worried?

It’s a minefield – and there’s no set rule for tackling this, as everyone’s situation will be different. That said, experts have shared their thoughts on how to approach this tricky moment, without causing a huge rift.

If you DO have consent to look at your child’s phone…

Counselling Directory member Bella Hird told HuffPost UK parents who have an agreement in place with their child where they can do spot checks “are in a very good starting place”.

“Think of your child’s phone a little as you would think of the world. They need your support to navigate it. There will be places and situations that, until they reach a certain age, you would not let them wander off into unsupervised,” she said.

If there’s a message on their phone that worries you, the therapist advises having a chat with your child about it: “Approach the conversation with your child with honesty and curiosity. So for example, explain ‘this kind of message really worries me and I want to know we are keeping you safe, can you explain to me a little about the context?’.”

She then urges parents to allow their child the space to explain. Try not to react in fear or anger as this will simply shut the conversation down. Punishments will simply drive a wedge further, too.

‘I Read My Teen’s Messages And Saw Something Inappropriate’

Richard Drury via Getty Images

Education and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall said the key here is offering a calm and proportionate response, rather than punishment.

If messages involve adult or sexualised content, the psychologist said key considerations include: whether the material is age-appropriate; whether there is any risk, pressure or coercion; and whether the young person understands boundaries and consent.

“Adolescence is a stage where children need increasing autonomy and privacy compared to earlier childhood, but this should be matched with developmentally appropriate safeguards,” she added.

“The aim is not to remove independence, but to support safe decision-making while those skills are still forming.”

Bird added that it’s important to help your child understand that it is OK to make mistakes and that being open with you will ultimately end with them feeling supported with potentially difficult or dangerous scenarios.

“Explain to your child what it is about the message or what you have seen that has concerned you and ask them if they understand your worries,” she said.

“They will probably tell you there is nothing to be concerned about, in which case ask them to explain more.”

There might be times when you think your child is in danger – for example, they are being groomed – in which case, you will need to take action. Bird said “it is really important to try to take your child on that journey with you”.

She advised: “Explain to them why you are doing what you are doing it and give them as much agency as possible – so, for example, in the case that you need to involve the police, you should explain that you need to do that and why, and let them know what is likely to happen. But give them choices like ‘would you like me to explain to them or would you like to?’ and ‘who would you like with you?’

“Avoid making them feel punished or ashamed because these experiences are a real barrier to connection and collaboration. They are still learning about the world and that’s OK.”

If you DON’T have your child’s consent to look at their phone

If you don’t have your teenager’s consent to look at their phone – and you’ve done so and seen something that is cause for concern – Bird suggests asking yourself two questions.

Firstly, what is the worst thing that will happen if I address this? And secondly, what is the worst thing that will happen if I don’t address this?

“I am sure the answer to the first question involves making a teen angry and having an impact on levels of trust, but the answer to the second question is likely to make your decision to act or not pretty simple,” she added.

“When talking to your teen, take responsibility. Apologise for not being open with them about looking at their phone, but explain your reasons for doing so.”

Dr Hall noted that in this instance, repair becomes especially important.

“Acknowledging the breach of trust, explaining the concern clearly, and working together to renegotiate boundaries helps model accountability and respect,” she said.

“Repairing trust is often more impactful than the original rule-setting, as it teaches young people how relationships recover after mistakes.”

Once you have resolved the matter of concern, talk to your teen about how you will balance privacy and safety moving forward.

Dr Hall concluded: “Ultimately, phone safety is not about constant surveillance. It is about gradually teaching young people how to manage privacy, boundaries and risk online, while maintaining an open, supportive line of communication so they know they can ask for help when they need it.”




Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use
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Asking Eric: Brother bullies siblings over aging mother’s care



Asking Eric: Son judges parents’ marijuana use

Dear Eric: My mother is in her last months of life. She has been cared for in her home for the last three years by increasingly expensive home health care workers. I and other siblings have suggested over and over that she be put in a care home for round-the-clock care, but our oldest sibling (we’ll call them Jimmy) has steadfastly refused, saying nursing homes let people die and neglect patients and cause massive bedsores and all sorts of terrible over-the-top excuses.

Well, now that Jimmy’s own mother-in-law is going into a nursing home Jimmy has decided it’s time for our mother to go as well.

We have had family meetings where we decide as a sibling group how to care for our mother and then Jimmy goes against the group decision. Prior to the conflict over our mother’s care, I had a good, albeit not close, relationship with this sibling, but now I’m so frustrated by the selfish choices made regarding our mother’s care that I’m ready to say goodbye forever once mom is buried.

Should I let years of bullying in regard to caring for our mother be the cause to cut off contact with Jimmy?

— Frustrated Little Sister

Dear Sister: It’s really unfortunate that Jimmy is dealing with the stress, confusion, and grief of this phase of life by refusing to collaborate and resorting to, as you write, bullying behavior. Perhaps in his mind, he’s the one keeping the ship right. Perhaps he’s grasping after a version of life that’s no longer possible. I have empathy for him and for you, but the fact is that no matter his intentions, he’s caused harm in your relationship and that needs repair.

Don’t cut him off but do have a conversation with him about the way you’ve interacted in the past. There’s no need to rehash old conflicts, but it’s fine to say something like “I didn’t like being in conflict about mom’s care. I want us to have a different relationship going forward. How can we do that?”

Dear Eric: My husband and I moved to a new city last year and were eager to make friends. We became close to another couple, “Susan and Mike,” rather quickly and saw them often. I realized after several months however that, while I enjoyed Susan’s company, Mike is not someone I am comfortable with.

He is a heavy drinker and makes sexist and racist comments that leave me cringing. I’ve reached out to Susan several times to suggest the two of us do things solo, but unfortunately, they are quite joined at the hip.

She’s reached out a number of times over the past couple of months to ask about our next get together, and each time I pretended we had conflicts but didn’t suggest alternative dates. She reached out again today and I feel bad.

I can’t keep avoiding them, but I am not sure how to best put some distance between us without creating ill will. I feel that honestly isn’t the best policy here, but maybe I am just trying to avoid the inevitable.

— Uncoupling the Couple




The Trick To Try Instead Of Taking A Child’s Privileges Away When They Misbehave
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The Trick To Try Instead Of Taking A Child’s Privileges Away When They Misbehave


Many of us have been there: your child isn’t doing as they’re told, you need to rush them out of the door so you can get to childcare and work on time, and you’re about to boil over.

They’ve launched their shoes in a huff, a sibling has been shoved, whatever it is, you’ve issued those fateful words: “Right, no TV until tomorrow!”

If they’re younger, and they’ve thrown a toy, you might even threaten to take it away for the next few hours.

The words are out – and there’s no going back. You have to see it through. If you’re lucky, your child caves, puts their shoes on, and stomps out of the door.

But how effective is removing toys or taking certain privileges away in teaching children a lesson?

Why taking away toys or privileges as punishment might not have the desired effect

While this kind of punishment can sometimes stop behaviour in the short term, psychotherapist Anna Mathur told HuffPost UK “it rarely teaches children what to do instead”.

Taking toys or privileges away as a punishment isn’t something she’d recommend.

“On its own, it tends to create fear or upset rather than understanding. Children often focus on the loss (‘my toy’s gone’) rather than the learning (‘my behaviour hurt someone’),” she explained.

“So while it might stop behaviour in the moment, it rarely teaches the skills we actually want children to develop, like empathy, emotional regulation, or taking responsibility.”

In her view, the only time removing something makes sense is for safety or logic, not discipline. “For example, if a toy is being thrown, it’s put away because it’s not being used safely. That’s protection, not punishment,” she explained.

Taking things away is “usually more about adult frustration than child learning”, the therapist continued. “As parents, especially when we’re overwhelmed, we can reach for control quickly.”

Staying calm and offering connection is key

While this strategy is “understandable” – especially when you’re stressed beyond belief and trying to leave the house – the therapist said “it’s not the most effective long-term approach”.

“What works better is connection first, then teaching: slowing the moment down, helping the child reflect, repairing what happened, and reinforcing positive behaviour,” she explained.

“Children learn best when they feel safe enough to think, not scared enough to comply.”

She suggested a helpful question for parents to ask themselves is: am I trying to punish, or am I trying to teach?

“Children behave better when they feel understood and regulated, not when they feel scared of losing things,” she continued.

“And often ‘poor behaviour’ is actually a sign of overwhelm, tiredness, hunger or big feelings they don’t yet know how to manage. In those moments, what looks like defiance is often dysregulation.”

Her general rule is “connection first, teaching second, consequences third” as “taking something away doesn’t address the root cause”.

Try to catch and reinforce positive behaviour as much as possible

The Welsh government advises that parents should also try to give positive consequences for their child’s positive behaviour more often than they give negative consequences for unwanted behaviours.

An example of a positive consequence might be: “Well done for putting all your toys away, now we can read a book together.”

Mathur is a big believer in this, too. “I also encourage parents to focus just as much on catching and reinforcing positive behaviour as correcting negative behaviour,” she added.

“Children repeat what gets attention. Noticing kindness, effort and repair can be far more powerful than only responding when things go wrong.”