Here’s to the mum groups that keep us sane this Mother’s day
At 35 weeks pregnant, Sophie Baldwin is excitedly looking forward to the arrival of her third baby.
And one thing she knows she can count on in the delightful, all-consuming chaos which accompanies a newborn, is the support of her ‘mum group’.
Modern mum groups have come under fire in recent months, with singer and actress Ashley Tisdale writing a viral essay ‘breaking up’ with hers, sparking countless articles, TikToks and Reels about these sometimes ‘toxic’ settings.
But Sophie thinks mum groups are well worth celebrating this Mother’s Day.
She counts two members of her original NCT group from 2021, Hannah and Amy, among her closest friends, and says she’d be lost without best friend Charlotte, who she also met through her daughter.
Mum to Luca, four, and Amelie, two, Sophie, 33, from Harrogate, tells Metro: ‘Knowing I have these friends is invaluable. Before becoming a parent one doesn’t realise how much you lean on a network which is going through similar things at the same time.
‘This time, I have a support network from day dot which is brilliant.’
The NCT supports 250,000 parents each year in the UK and Channel Islands and whilst not all parents will join the prenatal classes, or get along with their groups, for some it’s invaluable.
Sophie was drawn to Hannah, 39, and Amy, 40, by their similarly dark sense of humour. She met best friend Charlotte when she came to model for Sophie’s maternity and breastfeeding clothing line, with her own nine-week-old baby.
Sophie says: ‘I thought I would get to the school gates before I found a group of people who I really gelled with. Instead I have friends I can lean on, whenever I need.
While her friends are always on hand for emergency childcare, one moment sticks in her mind.
‘Charlotte and her partner came over to ours not long after our second was born and cooked us dinner and did bath and bedtime for our eldest, so that we could just relax,’ she remembers.
‘Moments like that are invaluable and often ones you don’t want to ask for, but when you have the right people around you, you don’t have to ask, they’re just done out of love.’
When Ashley Tisdale put her former mum friends on blast, she described feeling excluded by a group which was no longer ‘healthy and positive’ for her. Sophie she doesn’t think mum groups deserve such a bad rap, though.
‘Mum groups, in my experience, have been as far away from toxic as they possibly could be,’ she says.
‘I’ve had nothing but support, kindness, unconditional love, and plenty of chocolate and wine out of them!’
Sometimes, it can take a little longer to find friendship and support though. Recently, the NCT found 62% of new parents feel lonely or isolated at least some of the time.
This was the case for Elaine Gregersen, 45, of Newcastle on Tyne. In 2019 she and her husband Mark, 45, an IT Asset and Contracts manager, were expecting identical twin boys, but the pregnancy was complicated.
She says: ‘I tried to meet people through pregnancy yoga but with my sickness it was too difficult. We weren’t part of NCT but we were meant to be going to London to have a special class on twins further into my pregnancy. However, at 24 weeks my waters broke.’
Her twins, Henry and Blake, arrived in May 2019, four months early, and critically ill. Sadly, older twin Henry, lived only one week.
Elaine says: ‘I was a twin mum and then I was a mum who only had one baby and was grieving, and doctors didn’t expect Blake to live. He was very unwell.’
Miraculously, despite being ‘at death’s door’ numerous times, Blake survived. ‘It was a lonely time,’ Elaine says. ‘I left Whatsapp groups. I had two amazing friends who checked in on me, but I withdrew from everyone.’
In September 2019, after 123 days in hospital, her son was allowed home. Soon it became apparent he wasn’t reaching milestones such as sitting, crawling, or making eye contact and in time he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, amongst other disabilities and life-limiting conditions.
Elaine says: ‘I didn’t know anyone with a child like mine. Holidays were difficult because we couldn’t go to spaces other children went too.
‘Wheeling Blake in his wheelchair into a park can be quite intimidating because I wouldn’t know if there was anything accessible for him. Although my friends were amazing, I didn’t have the group I thought I’d have.’
Then in summer 2024, Elaine came across an advert for group Little SENDsations.
She says: ‘The group was for disabled children and their parents, carers or grandparents.
‘I didn’t know what made me do it, because I’m not necessarily brave, but I decided we would go to a meet up. I needed it and I thought even if it was awful, then I’d given it a go.’
When she arrived, she immediately felt accepted.
Elaine says: ‘One of the organisers walked up and started talking to Blake like a typical child, even though she knew it was unlikely he’d reply.
‘The day was incredible. All the other children were wheelchair-based as well and I started asking questions about their chairs and swapping stories of the difficulties we had all faced with the SEND system or the local authority.
‘We fitted in and I didn’t have to do any explaining.’
Through the group, Blake and Elaine have tried swimming, been on speed boats and enjoyed dolphin-watching. And now Blake, six, commando crawls up to friends made through the organisation.
Elaine says: ‘He knows everyone and it’s life-changing. I know that if I’m having a difficult day or something, good or bad, happens, then I can send a message to the group or ring someone, who will listen and understand.
‘Although each child is different, we understand what it’s like to be caring for a child with very complex needs.
‘Meeting that group changed my life. My sanity has been saved so many times by knowing they are there.
‘I’m never alone now. They are a group of superheroes that I know I can call on, and they are my mates.’
While some groups may drift apart once their child is a little older, for others, the friends made in the first days of parenthood last for life.
Business founder Alicia Drabble-Castellano, 49, from Wimbledon Park, London, gave birth to her daughter Mia nearly 17 years ago. She and her NCT group still regularly meet up, have gone on holidays together and are life-long friends.
Alicia says: ‘I got pregnant in 2008, one of the first in our friendship group to have babies.
‘Because I was an EYFS teacher, I naively imagined I would have it sorted. I loved kids and was a perfectionist, so I put a lot of pressure on myself.’
The couple joined an NCT class where Alicia hoped to learn about pregnancy and childbirth.
She says: ‘I didn’t go in thinking these were going to be my friends but we all gelled straight away, especially when one friend, Felicity, commented to the teacher that she was being misleading by implying a birth with medical intervention was a failure.
‘I didn’t think about it at the time, but when I was in a difficult, 56-hour labour, I remembered that comment and was glad she had said it.’
After the traumatic birth, Alicia found herself feeling ‘fragile and vulnerable’.
She says: ‘Every Wednesday lunchtime the NCT group would meet up. I went and was so shellshocked, these amazing women who I had only known for a few weeks just held Mia and looked after us both.
‘I felt there was a lot of pressure to look a certain way, with make-up done and swishy hair, and I was so far from that, but the girls just hugged me and I realised I didn’t need to put on a show.’
Practically, having a handful of friends going through the same thing was useful for 3am messages asking why sleeping patterns had changed or whether a dirty nappy was a normal colour.
The group supported Alicia through her decision to leave teaching and set up clothing brand Single Swan in 2020, and she describes them as her ‘emergency contacts, both practically and emotionally’.
Together they’ve been through highs and lows, including school choices, annual trips to Christmas grottoes and group holidays.
And now, nearly two decades on, they still meet up.
She says: ‘We have been really lucky, lots of people lose contact with their group after a couple of years.
‘We just clicked, it was the rawness of letting down our guard and admitting to finding things tough to each other.
‘My friends demonstrate acceptance, unconditional love and sisterhood. They have seen me at my most vulnerable and held me close. They are very special people.’
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