As your child is screaming, throwing toys or refusing to listen, it can be easy to say something you don’t really mean when reminding them how they should be acting.

Disciplining kids is tough, especially if you’re also feeling frustrated or mad in the moment. But many of the ways today’s parents were disciplined as children are actually problematic – and experts warn that those approaches shouldn’t trickle down to the next generation.

“Parents discipline the way they were disciplined, even if we don’t realise it,” said Leda Kaveh, a licensed clinical psychologist and owner and director of Washington Psychological Wellness and Washington Insight Solution.

“Parenting behaviours are strongly influenced by early attachment experiences,” Kaveh continued, adding that cultural norms around obedience, as well as chronic stress and financial pressure, play a role.

If you have memories of a parent disciplining you in a way that didn’t feel affirming, there’s a chance you’re doing that to your child, too. (That is, if you haven’t worked through it in therapy or another way.)

Below, therapists share the phrases you really shouldn’t say to kids when disciplining them, and how they can be quite harmful.

Statements like “Why can’t you be more like your brother” – or sister, neighbour, cousin or whoever – are harmful for kids to hear.

It’s “basically a character attack,” said Nicola Pierre-Smith, a licensed professional counsellor and owner of Melanated Women’s Health in Philadelphia.

There’s also a comparison that’s being made, she noted, which can make the child feel like they’re not enough.

Similarly, it may be common for some parents to say things like “you’re acting just like your father” or “just like your mother,” particularly if the parents are divorced or in an unhappy marriage.

Generally, this kind of phrase is used when focusing on negative attributes of a parent or when the identified parent figure is a “villain” within the family, according to Pierre-Smith.

Perhaps your mum is known for acting selfishly. If your dad spits out “You’re acting like your mother” after you act up, you’ll likely associate it with your mum’s “bad” behaviour.

This, too, is a character attack, Pierre-Smith explained. “It’s typically not said when there is a positive attribute to the identified person. It is really meant to be a character attack to the child.”

For a child who gets in trouble at school and comes home to a parent saying things like, “you’re a disappointment” or “you’re stupid,” it can be really damaging.

These kinds of phrases are meant to shame a child, Pierre-Smith said. This is true whether a parent intends to do this or not.

Research shows that children who experience frequent shame are at higher risk of anxiety and depression, and may grow up with self-worth problems.

It’s pretty common for parents to shut down any tears or sensitivity during a tense moment. However, doing this is “teaching the child that certain emotions aren’t valid,” Pierre-Smith said.

Rejecting crying may also lead to children being unable to name their emotions, she added.

Kids who repeatedly hear phrases like this aren’t given the opportunity to develop language around emotions or understand what they’re feeling. “They just categorise them into ‘I’m feeling good’ or ‘I’m feeling bad,’ but not having the language to describe that.”

Most parents have experienced getting swept up in the moment and saying something to their child that they regret. It’s not the one-off outburst that is inflicting harm. Instead, if you repeatedly discipline your child this way, it can be damaging, Kaveh said.

“When a child hears language that dismisses feelings or labels their behaviours as a personal flaw, the brain often shifts it into a stress response,” Kaveh explained.

“Over time, repeated experiences like this are associated with higher stress hormones such as cortisol, increased anxiety and emotional suppression, lower self-esteem and difficulty identifying and managing emotions later in life … It is a pattern over time that matters.”

If you do find yourself saying these phrases again and again, it’s worth thinking about how you were disciplined as a kid and what you may need to do to work through some of those experiences. Your own upbringing might be informing the way you parent, and it can take work to change, but it is possible.

“The encouraging news is that research shows parenting styles are highly adaptable. Increased awareness, education, therapy, moments of repair can significantly improve the parent-child relationships at any stage,” Kaveh said.

If you find it difficult to manage your emotions when you’re frustrated with your kids, there is “no shame in a parent actually reaching out to a professional or even someone in their school to get support with learning skills,” added Pierre-Smith.

“If you look at the research in developmental psychology, it shows that the most effective discipline is both firm and emotionally supportive,” Kaveh said.

“This approach is often also referred to as authoritative parenting, and is consistently associated with better emotional regulation, academic outcomes and mental health,” she noted.

According to Kaveh, effective discipline focuses on teaching, not punishment.

“This includes separating the child from the behaviour, acknowledging emotions while still setting limits and staying calm enough to model regulation,” Kaveh added.

Instead of saying “Stop crying,” you could say something like, “I see you’re really upset. I’m here. We still can’t throw toys, but we can figure out what you need,” she said.

This allows children to feel emotionally understood and receptive to guidance, Kaveh said.

“Feeling safe does not make kids less accountable. It actually makes learning possible,” she said.

Many of us have been there: your child isn’t doing as they’re told, you need to rush them out of the door so you can get to childcare and work on time, and you’re about to boil over.

They’ve launched their shoes in a huff, a sibling has been shoved, whatever it is, you’ve issued those fateful words: “Right, no TV until tomorrow!”

If they’re younger, and they’ve thrown a toy, you might even threaten to take it away for the next few hours.

The words are out – and there’s no going back. You have to see it through. If you’re lucky, your child caves, puts their shoes on, and stomps out of the door.

But how effective is removing toys or taking certain privileges away in teaching children a lesson?

While this kind of punishment can sometimes stop behaviour in the short term, psychotherapist Anna Mathur told HuffPost UK “it rarely teaches children what to do instead”.

Taking toys or privileges away as a punishment isn’t something she’d recommend.

“On its own, it tends to create fear or upset rather than understanding. Children often focus on the loss (‘my toy’s gone’) rather than the learning (‘my behaviour hurt someone’),” she explained.

“So while it might stop behaviour in the moment, it rarely teaches the skills we actually want children to develop, like empathy, emotional regulation, or taking responsibility.”

In her view, the only time removing something makes sense is for safety or logic, not discipline. “For example, if a toy is being thrown, it’s put away because it’s not being used safely. That’s protection, not punishment,” she explained.

Taking things away is “usually more about adult frustration than child learning”, the therapist continued. “As parents, especially when we’re overwhelmed, we can reach for control quickly.”

While this strategy is “understandable” – especially when you’re stressed beyond belief and trying to leave the house – the therapist said “it’s not the most effective long-term approach”.

“What works better is connection first, then teaching: slowing the moment down, helping the child reflect, repairing what happened, and reinforcing positive behaviour,” she explained.

“Children learn best when they feel safe enough to think, not scared enough to comply.”

She suggested a helpful question for parents to ask themselves is: am I trying to punish, or am I trying to teach?

“Children behave better when they feel understood and regulated, not when they feel scared of losing things,” she continued.

“And often ‘poor behaviour’ is actually a sign of overwhelm, tiredness, hunger or big feelings they don’t yet know how to manage. In those moments, what looks like defiance is often dysregulation.”

Her general rule is “connection first, teaching second, consequences third” as “taking something away doesn’t address the root cause”.

The Welsh government advises that parents should also try to give positive consequences for their child’s positive behaviour more often than they give negative consequences for unwanted behaviours.

An example of a positive consequence might be: “Well done for putting all your toys away, now we can read a book together.”

Mathur is a big believer in this, too. “I also encourage parents to focus just as much on catching and reinforcing positive behaviour as correcting negative behaviour,” she added.

“Children repeat what gets attention. Noticing kindness, effort and repair can be far more powerful than only responding when things go wrong.”