What is ‘inheritourism’?

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Family travel habits strongly influence people’s choices – but is that a good thing?

Dear Eric: I have been a preschool teacher for more than 20 years. There are a few times throughout the year where the kids and their parents give us gifts, which of course is optional. Those occasions are Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Teacher Appreciation Week and Graduation.

I have never asked for, nor do I expect to receive gifts from the families, but am always thankful when I receive them, and I express my appreciation and gratitude for their gift.

It doesn’t happen often, but it does feel good when the families appreciate all of our hard work.

My boyfriend thinks I should be humble and modest and tell the kids and their families that I don’t want their gifts and to give it to someone else who needs them. He feels that handmade gifts are better. While I do agree that I don’t do this for the gifts, I disagree with me telling the families and especially the 3- and 4-year-old children that I do not want their gifts, especially when they are so excited to give them to me because they bought or picked it out themselves.

I feel like part of the joy is in the giving, and seeing my reaction to their thoughtful gift, and I refuse to crush the giving spirit that their families are trying to instill in their children. I’m not sure how much more humble and modest I can be.

Am I in the wrong for accepting gifts?

— Gifted Educator

Dear Gifted: Not guilty! (Bangs gigantic imaginary gavel!) Your boyfriend is putting too much thought into something that doesn’t really concern him. I don’t have to tell you how hard teachers work or how important you are to the healthy development of the children you teach. If some of the parents want to express their gratitude for the (hopefully well-paid, but usually not well-paid-enough) work you do, let them!

Gift-giving is a form of communication, and it can be quite good for children to learn one way of expressing thanks. It doesn’t sound like you’re making a huge deal out of it or creating a situation where students without gifts would feel ashamed. It sounds like this is something between you, the individual kids, and their respective parents.

Sure, handmade gifts are nice, too. But it strikes me as a bit ungrateful, and perhaps controlling, to demand that parents supervise another craft project rather than buying you a gift card. How they show their thanks is up to them.

If you, in turn, want to pass the gift on to someone else who needs it, that’s your prerogative. But I don’t think you need to protest more to the parents. Sometimes, when people want to say, “thank you,” the best response is “you’re welcome.”

Dear Eric: I have been in a wonderful, committed relationship for nine years but we do not live together. We are both advanced seniors whose families got along and were pleased that we were together.

The day before Thanksgiving his daughter, out of the blue, verbally attacked me over something insignificant. Her rant lasted 10 minutes while my boyfriend just sat there and said nothing.

I was totally surprised by her attack but even more so that he didn’t step in and say something to stop it. Her husband, on the other hand, interjected several times on her behalf.

I have been there for him for numerous hospital stays, Covid, joint replacements and the flu while his daughter only came once for two hours during his last hospital stay. I am disappointed, hurt and angry at both of them. On one hand I want to get past this but then do I really want to be in a situation where my man doesn’t stand up for me?

During the day, Vic Lyons works full-time in dementia care as a senior Admiral Nurse. Her job is to help families navigate the emotional and bureaucratic minefield of a disease that robs their loved ones of their independence, memories and cognitive functions. 

Although Vic would naturally display kindness and a sympathetic ear when listening to what people are going through, it is all the more poignant for her.

When she logs off to the day, Vic heads back to her home in Hertfordshire, where she and her husband, Andrew, 53, care for Andrew’s 89-year-old mother Margaret, who was diagnosed with dementia in January 2024. All while also raising their two sons, aged 15 and 12.  

‘At work, I support families going through dementia and, at home, I’m in the thick of it,’  Vic, 51, tells Metro. ‘Mornings are consumed with getting Margaret dressed and the boys to school, while evenings are spent coaxing her through confusion and helping my sons with homework. Then the weekends are swallowed by housework, bills and medication reviews.’

There is thought to be up to 2.4million ‘sandwich’ carers in the UK – people stuck between looking after their children and elderly relatives – something the nurse admits is ‘a tough gig’.

‘The demands are exhausting,’ she admits. ‘It feels like Groundhog Day and there’s no respite. When you’re caring for someone you love, there’s no off switch. Both Andrew and I work full time, so every day demands careful planning.

‘Andrew gets his mum dressed and drops her off at the local day centre each morning, while I put her to bed in the evening. Her dementia is advanced, and her memory span is sometimes just seconds.’

Vic explains that Margaret can no longer make herself a drink, and often forgets who the family are. ‘She gets anxious when she’s by herself. It takes all of us, including the boys, to care for her,’ she says.

‘I know how hard it is for families because of my job – and yet the reality is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.’

In 2021, Vic’s mother-in-law moved from London to a flat close to the family home, a move planned to preserve her independence for as long as possible.

‘She’d stopped cooking dinners, taking her pills properly and going to the supermarket,’ remembers Vic. ‘We didn’t have an official diagnosis but, because of my job, I knew where this was headed. We discussed what care Margaret would need and moved her in around the corner because she still wanted her autonomy. We installed cameras and zone alerts for peace of mind – and count ourselves lucky that she sleeps through the night.’  

However, Vic recognises that her mother-in-law will soon need around-the-clock care. ‘Her condition is fast deteriorating,’ she adds sadly. 

‘We’ve pressed the button on building an extension to our house next year. Margaret oscillates between not wanting to be a burden and not wanting to be alone. But for her welfare, we see no other choice than for her to move in with us.’  

Thankfully, Margaret has enough money saved to fund the day centre costs where she receives specialist dementia support and companionship during the week while Vic and Andrew are at work. Still, the couple will need to remortgage their house to pay for the extension.

While the family have had to confront the costs of later-life care, a new poll has revealed just how much Britain is burying its head in the sand when it comes to ageing, care needs and the price tags attached.

A national survey of UK adults aged 45-+ reveals that two-thirds (62%) have never discussed later-life care with a parent or partner, while only 6% have a clear plan for how they or their parents will be supported as they age.

In fact, an astonishing 94% of people don’t talk about these things until forced to by circumstance. It was only when Margaret began to display worrying symptoms that it prompted conversations about care, highlighting how even the most informed families often delay planning until they are forced to act. 

The research, commissioned by Age Space, the UK’s leading online hub for families supporting elderly relatives, paints a picture of widespread confusion, financial uncertainty and what campaigners are calling a ‘dangerous national silence’. 

Vic explains that she also worries about the emotional impact the situation is having on their family – especially their two boys. 

‘When Margaret’s distressed, they can feel a bit scared and unsure how to react,’ she explains. ‘She sometimes thinks Andrew is her husband and I’m the other woman – it’s hard for the boys to hear this. I want them to feel they can invite friends around and be normal noisy teenagers.

‘I feel constantly torn. If the boys come home and want to talk but Andrew’s mum is becoming distressed or needs something, I have to prioritise her.

‘On special occasions such as Christmas Day, I worry she’ll get upset and I don’t want the boys to carry that memory. I also feel sad that they probably won’t sit and watch a movie with us – there’s an emotional barrier there now because of Nan.’  

The personal toll of being a sandwich carer, is also something that resonates with Vic. ‘You’re caring for everyone except yourself,’ she admits. ‘We get an hour watching TV at night if we’re lucky. I haven’t been to the gym in a year, and holidays look impossible for us now.

‘Last year, we went to Portugal while Margaret stayed with her sister, but a UTI led to delirium and she was admitted to hospital. We spent our holiday speaking to doctors and worried sick about her.’

For Vic, the silence around care in the UK is rooted in fear, rather than avoidance.

‘People don’t know where to start. The topic is wrapped up in fear – fear of cost, fear of losing independence, fear of aging. It isn’t easy,’ she says. 

‘People imagine caring is popping in to make a cup of tea. But it’s navigating memory loss, safety worries, emotional distress and guilt. And most people have no idea how much support they will need until they’re already drowning.’

To tackle Britain’s care silence, Age Space has launched the Prepare to Care campaign, fronted by broadcaster Janet Ellis. The campaign urges families to have earlier conversations about care, ideally years before decisions are forced on them by crisis. For more information, click here.

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Dear Eric: My mother is in her last months of life. She has been cared for in her home for the last three years by increasingly expensive home health care workers. I and other siblings have suggested over and over that she be put in a care home for round-the-clock care, but our oldest sibling (we’ll call them Jimmy) has steadfastly refused, saying nursing homes let people die and neglect patients and cause massive bedsores and all sorts of terrible over-the-top excuses.

Well, now that Jimmy’s own mother-in-law is going into a nursing home Jimmy has decided it’s time for our mother to go as well.

We have had family meetings where we decide as a sibling group how to care for our mother and then Jimmy goes against the group decision. Prior to the conflict over our mother’s care, I had a good, albeit not close, relationship with this sibling, but now I’m so frustrated by the selfish choices made regarding our mother’s care that I’m ready to say goodbye forever once mom is buried.

Should I let years of bullying in regard to caring for our mother be the cause to cut off contact with Jimmy?

— Frustrated Little Sister

Dear Sister: It’s really unfortunate that Jimmy is dealing with the stress, confusion, and grief of this phase of life by refusing to collaborate and resorting to, as you write, bullying behavior. Perhaps in his mind, he’s the one keeping the ship right. Perhaps he’s grasping after a version of life that’s no longer possible. I have empathy for him and for you, but the fact is that no matter his intentions, he’s caused harm in your relationship and that needs repair.

Don’t cut him off but do have a conversation with him about the way you’ve interacted in the past. There’s no need to rehash old conflicts, but it’s fine to say something like “I didn’t like being in conflict about mom’s care. I want us to have a different relationship going forward. How can we do that?”

Dear Eric: My husband and I moved to a new city last year and were eager to make friends. We became close to another couple, “Susan and Mike,” rather quickly and saw them often. I realized after several months however that, while I enjoyed Susan’s company, Mike is not someone I am comfortable with.

He is a heavy drinker and makes sexist and racist comments that leave me cringing. I’ve reached out to Susan several times to suggest the two of us do things solo, but unfortunately, they are quite joined at the hip.

She’s reached out a number of times over the past couple of months to ask about our next get together, and each time I pretended we had conflicts but didn’t suggest alternative dates. She reached out again today and I feel bad.

I can’t keep avoiding them, but I am not sure how to best put some distance between us without creating ill will. I feel that honestly isn’t the best policy here, but maybe I am just trying to avoid the inevitable.

— Uncoupling the Couple