Dear Eric: I’m 65 and have been retired for the past two years. To stay active, I went to work as a personal driver for a very wealthy man. I’m salaried, so when he travels (on average one week a month) I still get paid. It’s really not about the money; I enjoy the position.

What I don’t like is getting the schedule on Friday (for my personal planning purposes). Often the schedule drastically changes usually with little notice, sometimes the same day.

I have had several conversations with him about being more transparent, so I may plan my time off. Several times I changed plans to accommodate him.

I asked him to please update the schedule as soon as he makes plans. His response is for me to inform his assistant. I spoke to his assistant who told me she updates the calendar immediately and then it’s added to my calendar, which may take a day or two.

I asked him to send the updates directly to me since I’m the one who is responsible for driving him. His response was “I don’t know how to add to the driving calendar.”

I told him to text me the information and I’ll add it to the calendar. He said he would, but he says a lot of stuff and never follows through. What can you add to assist in this issue?

— Driver Being Driven Nuts

Dear Driver: One option is to ask his assistant to give you access to the main calendar that updates immediately, so that you can make plans more quickly. I’m not sure whether this is feasible — perhaps he has things on there that he doesn’t need you to see. But it can’t hurt to ask her.

Because he has a driver and an assistant — and probably other staff — it sounds like he wants to offload a lot of the logistics of his life. So, asking him to do more communicating about something he purposefully doesn’t want to be involved in may be a nonstarter for him.

If you can’t get access to the main calendar, you may have to decide whether this is still a job that works for your life. It may be that you want more control over your own schedule and this isn’t a job that allows for that. It’s fine to say this was a great opportunity that you enjoyed for a time, but now you want your time back.

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in the same situation as “Left at Home,” who struggled with envy about her husband’s work trips.

My husband has a job he dislikes, but it is his own business, and he can’t leave it until he retires. I travel occasionally for work. When I travel, I stay at nicer hotels, eat at nicer restaurants and sometimes do interesting things, but I’d rather not travel for work anymore.

To my husband, my travel is exciting and he feels envious. Left at Home said that her husband tells her he doesn’t want to go on the trips anymore but then tells her about all the good food and fun things that were planned for them. She thinks he is disingenuous and feels like the trips and experiences are distancing her from him.

I believe her husband. I don’t like traveling anymore. I face long flight delays and cancellations. Getting up at 3 a.m. to make a flight. Spending nights alone in hotels, missing my husband and my family. Long drives in unfamiliar places often late at night because my flight was delayed. Long meaningless meetings.

Yes, I come home and tell him that I had an interesting site visit, or that I ate some wonderful food at a unique restaurant, but I do that because I want to share my experiences with the person I love. I also share the bad experiences, but he also thinks I’m being disingenuous. Believe me, I’m not. I’d rather not travel anymore. It isn’t glamorous and exciting.

I hope she gives him the benefit of the doubt and stops giving him a hard time. If he needs the job and the job comes with travel, then she should accept it gracefully and find other things to do, as you recommended.

‘What do you wish people asked you about more?’

‘What was your family like when you were growing up?’

‘What did the world expect from you when you were young?’

FG Trade via Getty Images

‘When you look at the world now, how does it feel to you?’

‘Is there anything you still feel responsible for passing on?’

‘What feels good in our relationship right now? What doesn’t?’

Dear Eric: My 26-year-old grandson has never held a job. Three years ago, he earned a master’s degree. Despite his achievement, he engages in all-night computer gaming, sleeps during the day and lacks motivation to seek employment.

His father is out of the picture, and his mother, my daughter, maintains him in every way. She loves him and seems hesitant to address the situation directly.

While she works and manages the household, I occasionally assist, which I don’t mind doing. However, I feel that my assistance inadvertently reinforces his destructive behavior. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to help this individual break free from his detrimental routine.

— Concerned Grandfather

Dear Grandfather: You have the opportunity, as someone who is a helpful, consistent presence, to have a frank conversation with your grandson. I’d encourage you to take it. You can ask, “What is your plan for employment? Are there obstacles standing in your way? Would you like some advice? Are there specific areas in which you’d like my help?” And then listen to his answers. They’ll be very telling, one way or another.

He may tell you he’s looked and he can’t find anything. He may say that it was different for you when you were his age, and you don’t understand what he’s facing. It surely was different, but we all have the privilege of and the obligation to live in reality.

Go into this conversation with curiosity rather than demands, knowing that his expectations may not match your expectations. He will trust you more as a coach, mentor and resource if you listen to what his goals for himself are and help him chart a path toward achieving those goals.

Similarly, you might ask your daughter if she’s open to opinions about her son. It does sound like this is an enabling situation. But removing the enabling without identifying a goal is just going to cause conflict.

The three of you are all adults who are capable of making your own decisions. Sometimes we have to let our loved ones make a choice that doesn’t benefit them — this goes for your daughter and your grandson. However, you can have the most impact by working with her and with him to set new goals for employment and engagement in the house’s affairs and then holding him to them.

Dear Eric: I am a mother of two adult men. One of which is doing great and is living the single life. The other one is also doing good. He has his own business. My issue is that my son with his own business was engaged and they both decided to call it off.

Now I can’t seem to be happy when I hear about others who are getting married or even having children, whether it be family or people in general I don’t even know.

Looks like both sons are set in their lives and I fear I will not have the joy of being an in-law or grandparent. I guess what I’m asking is for some advice to help me move on. I know you’re probably going to suggest therapy, which I don’t want.

— Unhappy

Dear Unhappy: It is always a little bit of a challenge when people write, “don’t tell me to go to therapy,” because I’m like, “well… but that’s the answer.” However, I can respect your request and give you some other options.

First, is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean “liking” or “wanting” or even “not being mad about.” Acceptance is you saying, “this is what is right now.” That right now is crucial because your wants could change, your sons’ romantic lives could change, anything could change. So, it’s important to say “I don’t have what I want right now” because it helps prevent you from spiraling out into forever.

Dear Eric: I’m an African American man in my late 60s. Nobody would call me the most religious guy on the planet, but the center aisle in the church would not open up and swallow me if I walked in.

I have a white friend, proud of his Jewish heritage, who I have known since we were kids. He spends as much time in the synagogue as I spend in the church (i.e., not much), but he is always holding up his religion as his badge of honor.

Admittedly, as a somewhat non-practitioner, I don’t keep up with the Jewish holidays. He calls me all the time saying “hey, aren’t you going to wish me Happy Chanukah, or happy Rosh Hashanah?”

Tonight, he sent me pictures of some religious celebration. I did a modest perusal in AI but could not find a Jewish holiday that is being celebrated tonight. How do I get my old friend to take a chill pill?

— Not Religious

Dear Not Religious: It sounds like he’s trying to share part of his culture with you. Some Jewish people don’t practice or consider themselves particularly observant but have deep connections to the cultural traditions and history of Judaism. This is very important, as with any other cultural tradition — racial, ethnic, or religious.

So, when he says, “wish me a Happy Chanukah,” he may be saying, “this is a big part of who I am, and it would be meaningful for you to see it and acknowledge it.” Maybe next time consider asking him “what do you do for Chanukah/Purim/et cetera? Tell me what it means to you.” You can also just say, “Happy Chanukkah” and leave it at that.

For holidays you don’t recognize, it’s fine to ask, “what holiday is this?” The internet is also a good resource. I don’t recommend using AI for any information gathering, but there are sites written by humans, like Judaism 101 (jewfaq.org/jewish_holidays), that list major holidays and provide explanations of their importance, if you’re curious.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have enjoyed hosting parties in our home for years. There are some guests that like to bring a bouquet of flowers to thank us. It is a very kind gesture, but to be honest, it’s an inconvenience to deal with flowers while greeting other folks and finishing up last-minute preparations for the gathering.

As alternatives, a small potted plant or flowers in a jar would be another way to thank the hosts without creating extra work.

Of course, we always show appreciation to our guests that bring us bouquets, but would it be rude to give them a vase and scissors and ask them if they could please arrange the flowers? Your thoughts?

— Lover of Flowers and Friends

Dear Flowers and Friends: I don’t think it’s rude at all. Some guests love to be given something to do while the hosts finish preparing dinner. If you can set them up with what they need and they won’t be in your way in the kitchen, hand over a vase without hesitation.

Dear Eric: I’m a retired therapist who specialized in ADHD, with adults and families and couples. I am also ADHD. I wanted to write about a letter from “Tired,” whose friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD and has started using it as an excuse for a new habit of lateness, among other things.

The diagnosis, while in some ways freeing, is an explanation, not an excuse. Most of my ADHD clients worked really hard to learn coping techniques to help them get through their life and work.

There are many behaviors that can be successfully managed. (Timers on our phones work wonders.) This “friend” of Tired’s needs some accountability for her behaviors, and when she received the diagnosis, should have been given some guidance about symptom management.

Dr. Daniel Amen has written several excellent books on ADHD, including tips for families with both children and adults with ADHD.

Dear Eric: During our morning walks, my husband and I became acquainted with “Ron,” a homeless man who always sits on the same bench and always has a cheery hello. During the holiday season, we decided to gift him a box of homemade cookies and a Christmas card with $200 in cash slipped inside. I’ve imagined him treating himself to a decent dinner or buying something nice. We knew nothing about Ron, except that he seemed sweet and sober and appreciated our little gifts.

Recently, from several reliable sources, we’ve discovered that Ron has been sending money, including his VA checks, to a woman in China in the hope of getting her to come to America and marry him. People have repeatedly tried to tell him that this is an internet scam, but he refuses to listen.

I find it upsetting that our money is being handed directly over to a scammer somewhere. My inclination next holiday is to continue to hand him the cookies and the card but not the cash. I figure it’s just $200 less for some heartless con artist to steal.

My husband, however, objects. He says it’s none of our business how Ron spends his money. If this gives Ron purpose or pleasure, then who are we to interfere? Our reward should be in the giving and nothing else. My compromise is to give Ron a gift certificate, perhaps to a grocery store, but my husband feels that even this safeguard is too judgmental. What is your opinion?

— The Christmas Judge

Dear Judge: We don’t get to choose how other people make use of our gifts, especially strangers. Since you don’t have a relationship with Ron beyond these very generous gifts, you’re not in a position to safeguard him. I’m not wagging my finger, but it’s notable that you know nothing about him and you heard about the supposed scam from others, not from Ron. He’s not shared this part of his life with you.

What you might do is ask him, “what do you need?” or “is there someplace from which you’d like a gift card?” This way, you can be more confident that you’re meeting him where he is without trying to police his spending.

Dear Eric: I have a friend who is driving me and other friends to the brink with her persistent negativity. This has been going on for years but is much worse lately.

We are all retired, and this friend is substantially better off financially than the rest of us. Despite this, everything is a litany of “poor me” and nonstop negativity. No one else has suffered grievous losses as she has (we have). No one else is as burdened with problems as she is (we have our own issues, and deal with them). No one experiences as much pain, suffering, loss, misfortune or tragedy as she does.

Literally every conversation ends up being her listing a multitude of problems, all featuring her as the victim. When we try to gently point out that they are financially secure, or have many blessings to be grateful for, it’s just a doorway to yet more complaining, whining and “poor me.”

It’s clear she’s depressed, and it’s also clear that the medications and counseling she’s receiving are not helping. We’ve tried patience, listening, kind boundary-holding on topics, and redirection.

It’s to the point where some friends have stepped way back from the relationship, and where several of us are questioning why we continue on. This woman can be kind, generous and caring but rarely, and there’s little joy in any of our relations with her. Help, please.

— Overwhelmed by Negativity

Dear Eric: My sister’s daughter is getting married in the fall. My 20-year-old daughter has not been invited because it is “adults only.” This upsets both of us because she is close to her cousin.

When I asked if she could attend the wedding ceremony, I was told that I wasn’t even invited to the wedding ceremony because it was immediate family only, although the seven bridesmaids will outnumber the wedding guests.

Now I will be driving several hours to attend the reception. It feels like a long trip just for dinner. Just sending a gift will upset my sister. I am not sure how to handle this situation.

— Reception Only

Dear Reception: I do empathize with your disappointment about not being invited to the ceremony, but on a technical level the difference between a reception-only experience and one that includes the ceremony is probably only an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Yes, that’s a crucial hour, emotionally, legally, religiously, if they’re so inclined. But it might help you to think of the reception not as lesser, but just different.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’re required to go. If you find that thinking of the reception in a different way doesn’t assuage your hurt feelings, that’s fine. You can decide to send a gift and spare yourself the drive. But there probably isn’t a way to skip the event and not offend your sister.

I often get questions about weddings; people have different requests and requirements of their guests. It’s good for marrying couples to assume everyone’s best intentions and best efforts and be understanding of their guests. It’s also great for guests to say to themselves, this is their special day, and I want to be there to help make it special.

Tell your sister you want to make it special, but you’re feeling like an afterthought. Maybe she has some insight.

Dear Eric: I am recently widowed and have never seen my problem addressed. My spouse was a wonderful person. I now have the remnants and reminders of our 38 years together literally everywhere. Hobbies, clothes, boat motors, guitars, golf clubs, yard tools, woodworking supplies. My children would love for me to continue living with it all. How do I separate from it?

— Mementos

Dear Mementos: I’m sorry for your loss; mementos can be a comfort or a hard reminder. And sometimes they’re both. The complicated feelings you’re likely feeling aren’t unusual. There are options. Reach out to a senior downsizer or a professional organizer and enlist their help. They won’t start giving things away right off the bat. Rather, they’ll help you think through what you want your space to look like and they can help navigate conversations with your kids about handing things off.

It sounds like your children are experiencing part of their grief as sentimentality. That’s completely understandable. But the solution isn’t for your house to remain a museum. They can take mementos that mean something to them. Then you all, as a family, can thank the other mementos for what they gave to you and what they represent, then release them to another life.

Take your time with this. I imagine it’s overwhelming being surrounded by reminders of your fresh loss every day. Start small, perhaps by creating a space — a room, a corner — that is just yours to fill up or leave empty as you get to know this new version of yourself and process your feelings.

Dear Eric: This is in response to “Rambling Relative,” whose 84-year-old mother had no cognitive issues but had begun rambling and repeating herself on their phone calls.

The letter writer may want to try this:

When she starts talking about people or events you don’t know anything about, get a pad and pencil and write down notes. Make sure you tell her you are doing this so maybe she will get to the point. (You can repeat each one back to her as if you are trying to get it right.) If you are a praying person, you can tell her you will take time to pray for them during the week.

The next time you talk to her, go down the list and ask how each one is doing. If she starts to ramble on about one of them, summarize by saying, “So no improvement there,” or “I’m glad so and so is doing better.” Then move on to the next one. After you finish the list, tell her something about your life, or ask her how she likes the weather, etc.

Dear Eric: I live in an apartment with my 22-year-old daughter. She had a really bad high school experience that was broken up by Covid, so remote learning didn’t go well either. She eventually got her diploma but since then has not been able to find a job. We are going on about a year and a half now. She applies but doesn’t even get interviews.

This is going to sound selfish, but I want to move away with my boyfriend of seven years so that we can start living our life together (we do not currently live together). I know my daughter is an adult, but she is far from self-sufficient and makes no money to pay rent/bills/groceries.

I cannot kick her out onto the streets; I don’t have it in me to see her struggle like that. I can’t take her with us because they don’t get along. I’m kind of at my wits end here because I don’t know how to change my situation so that I will be able to leave with my boyfriend and also make sure that my daughter can take care of herself. Please, help me.

— Feeling Helpless

Dear Feeling Helpless: Pull your daughter into this conversation. Be honest with her about what your goals are and ask her what her goals are. And then work together to make a plan. It’s been kind and loving of you to provide for her as she struggles with independence. But it will actually be empowering for you to engage her, adult to adult. She’s going to need these skills whether or not she gets a job.

Maybe she needs training in a specific field or further education; maybe she can cobble together income from gig work. Maybe there are other relatives or friends that she can assist for money or in exchange for housing. I’m not saying this will be an easy process for her, or for you. But something needs to change in her life, and you want something to change in your life. The first step is asking her, “what do you plan to do and how can I help?”

Dear Eric: I have a soft voice that has been criticized by many. I took a required speech class in college, and the instructor made up an emergency and asked if anyone would believe me if I told them about it.

I overheard my principal tell a colleague, “It’s a wonder she had any control over her (elementary) class with that voice.” I am so tired of being talked over by others. Sometimes, I have to start saying something three or four times before people listen. Sometimes, I just give up. Sometimes, I feel like I should act like a child, raise my hand and wait to be called on. Help!

— Quiet as a Mouse

Dear Quiet: Despite what your principal said, I’m presuming you do have control over your elementary school class. You’ve developed tactics that don’t rely on your voice’s volume. Give yourself credit for finding other ways to command attention, teach material and maintain order. Perhaps there are ways of applying some of your classroom skills in other areas in life.

Also, look into a class or training with a vocal coach or acting teacher. The voice is an instrument and, like any other instrument, “loud” isn’t always the best setting. Consider a piccolo or a clarinet; when played correctly, they can be quite arresting without very much volume. Similarly, a teacher trained in the voice can work with your specific instrument, show you its features — your vocal cords, your diaphragm, your breathing, etc. — and guide you in ways of using it effectively without having to shout.

Dear Eric: My husband and I enjoy hosting dinner and cards with other couples. This is also reciprocated by a few other friends. I’ve found it cringe-worthy due to the fact that they don’t want to play a game that takes some thought. It’s a game that just relies on the luck of the draw.

Tom Stewart via Getty Images

Boundary violations that add up over time

When your partner can’t separate their needs from their parents’

Plan Shooting 2 / Imazins via Getty Images

When your partner’s family just avoids conflict completely

How to cope with negative feelings about in-laws

When to seek help from a counsellor

Following her son’s third round of baby vaccinations, Zoe Nichols felt helpless as she listened to his endless cries. Even though the little boy had been given the suggested doses of Calpol, he just wouldn’t settle. 

‘He was just crying and crying,’ Zoe, 39, tells Metro.

She wanted to stay with him following the vaccinations, but Zoe had compulsory training at work the next day, so that afternoon the beauty therapist bundled her baby into the car to take him to his grandparents, a two-hour drive away. 

‘For the whole journey, he mainly slept – he loved being in the car,’ Zoe remembers. 

After dropping her son off with his grandparents, she made the two-hour drive back to Dorset, only to receive a worrying phone call as soon as she walked through the door at around 11pm.

‘His grandparents were saying that he wasn’t right – he wouldn’t stop crying, and he had a fever that wasn’t coming down with medicine,’ Zoe remembers. ‘They were going to take him to the hospital.’

The doctors tried to reassure the family that it was probably just a common virus, but Zoe couldn’t help but feel eaten up with ‘mum guilt’, because she couldn’t do anything to help. Eventually, her son was put on a drip for the night and, as she tried to sleep, Zoe kept her phone close by in case of an update.  

Thankfully, the next morning, she received a smiling photo of her baby, who was all back to normal.

As a child, Zoe remembers having all her vaccines, and yet, at 15, she still got measles. She says that two years later, at beauty college, half of her class — some who had been vaccinated and some who hadn’t — were off with mumps. 

The experience always made her question the point of vaccinations and whether they actually worked, she says. So when Zoe became pregnant at 31, she started to think about what she should do for her baby. 

At her NCT class, she remembers being urged by the leading midwife to give children whatever vaccines are offered by the NHS. ‘You take all the information that you’re given as gospel,’ Zoe explains. ‘But all pros and cons should be made available.’ 

Although a couple of acquaintances had said there were ‘lots of warnings on side effects’ when it came to jabs, she eventually decided to go along with NHS guidelines and booked the MMR vaccinations for her baby. 

While her son’s eight and 12-week jabs were uneventful – he had just a mild fever manageable with Calpol – it was the 16-week shots that Zoe believes landed her baby in hospital. 

‘I  thought that it came and went too quickly to be a virus,’ she says.

Just before he turned one, it was then suggested that her little boy have a Bacillus Calmette-Guérin (BCG) vaccine to protect him from picking up tuberculosis from abroad, as his father’s family from India often visited. Again, Zoe did what the doctors recommended.

‘But the vaccine injection site got scabby and pussy. It took ages for his skin to heal, and he still has a big scar from it,’ she says, adding that it was the last straw for her.  ‘I wasn’t going to put him through that anymore.’

Since then, Zoe’s son hasn’t had any of the vaccines offered through the NHS to children, at one year, 18 months, three years, flu, or Covid vaccines. 

‘I’m not a scientist, but I know what happened for me and mine,’ she says. ‘I don’t want to look at stats and figures, because those can be easily manipulated by pharmaceutical companies.’

But her choice has raised eyebrows, with several healthcare professionals and acquaintances warning the mum that she should ‘protect’ her little boy by getting him vaccinated.

Zoe remembers one occasion in early spring 2023, when her son was rushed to the A&E because he couldn’t breathe at nursery. 

‘Initially, I was asked if he had received all his jabs. When I replied no, the nurse gave me a look as if I had sneezed in her face,’ she claims. ‘She then told the doctor with an attitude, and acted as if I hadn’t fed him for a week or had committed some other form of neglect.’

The toddler ended up being diagnosed as having both enterovirus and rhinovirus and recovered within days. 

Zoe insists that she feels cautious when anyone pushes her into making a decision, not just whether it involves vaccinating her son. Anyone quick to judge anti-vaxxers, she’d like to know the ‘primary experience’ that led them to think the way they do. 

‘Why are they so for vaccines?’ Zoe asks. ‘My child was in the hospital overnight directly after having had a vaccine. That’s why I’m against it. My primary experience has led to my decision.’

News that measles cases have been found in the UK doesn’t scare Zoe, either. In fact, what frightens her is thinking about the children who do get vaccinations and what they are having put into their bodies.

She wonders why we question what is in our food and water, but don’t ask what the vaccines are, and the harmful impacts that they could have on adults and children.

‘I think there are pros and cons to everything,’ she says.

Zoe believes that if her child did get measles, he would get ill and then get better, just like she did when she had measles at 15.  However, recent statistics have shown that measles is on the rise across Europe, with nearly 130,000 people contracting it last year, double the number in 2023 and the highest rate since 1997. Last June, a child from Liverpool died from contracting the disease, while London is currently seeing a fast-spreading outbreak infect dozens of schoolchildren.

While Zoe acknowledges the pain families who have lost children due to measles must feel, her personal experiences mean she will not sway her decision. Instead, she asks: ‘Why in 30 years has nobody managed to find a cure for when you actually have measles?’

The mum insists she doesn’t throw caution to the wind either, but takes precautions to keep herself, her child, and the people around her safe from any virus. When her son comes home from playdates and school, or is about to eat a meal, Zoe makes sure he washes his hands. 

‘In my opinion, there are better ways to stop disease spreading than vaccinating people,’ she explains. ‘It can just start with safe measures like washing your hands or using a bit of sanitiser. If clients are under the weather, I don’t see them, and I wear a mask during my treatments.

‘I just don’t feel that mass medication will help. If you look after your body and your mind, I really don’t think you need a vaccine.’ 

Zoe is also keen to guide her son away from injections until he can make a fully educated decision for himself. 

‘I’m not a radical conspiracy theorist,’ she insists. ‘I’m just being mindful and conscious. It’s my choice and I don’t want myself or my child to be an experiment.’

A version of this article was first published in October 2025.

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Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We’re both in good health. We have one child who is an adult and lives independently but close by.

My husband and I enjoy marijuana now that it has been legalized in our state. Between the two of us, we smoke one joint after 7 p.m. about four days a week. We also enjoy it on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.

Lately, when our adult child has been over to visit and we step away to share a joint, they’ll comment “I thought you only smoked on these days” or something to that extent. I feel like they’re keeping tabs on us, or even judging us by saying, “OK” in a disapproving way.

We are never in a “far out” state of mind after we smoke (or eat edibles). It relaxes us to enjoy music, watch a funny movie or program until we get tired and go to bed. If we had to go somewhere in an emergency, we would Uber it. Our adult child is aware of this.

I’d like to mention that up to a year ago, this adult child smoked marijuana with us at times. They had some health issues that have since been taken care of. They’re not anti-marijuana but seem to be focusing on our use. It makes me uneasy in my own home when this happens. Sometimes we have to “sneak” it in while they’re visiting to avoid any questions/comments.

When these comments start coming, I want to tell this adult child that it’s none of their business what we do in our home. I feel policed and judged by them. I also feel like I don’t have to explain anything. Any advice?

— Senior High

Dear High: Bring it up to your child in a neutral manner and ask your adult child to have a discussion with you about it. Start by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that when we smoke, you often comment.” Then explain how you feel when that happens and ask them if you’re reading the situation in the way they’re intending. Something like, “when that happens, it makes me wonder if you think we’re using marijuana too much. Do you?”

The goal of the conversation is to get and give more information. Maybe your child’s response is more about their own journey, and they don’t realize how they’re coming off. Or maybe they do have concerns. If the latter turns out to be the case, it’s better for both of you that those concerns are verbalized. It’s up to you whether you agree with those concerns and whether you decide to make a change. But by opening the door to a conversation about what’s being said, you free both yourself and your child from interior narratives that can cause resentments.

Dear Eric: My 80-year-old sister lives alone after her husband passed away a long time ago and has no children. She lies so much that it’s upsetting.

She lies to everyone around her about her previous job and even her education. She even tells the senior center that her children live out of state.

She used to be a poet and published two books, but she lied about her education in the author bios.

I’ve repeatedly told her that lying is wrong, but she refuses to listen to my advice. It’s sad that I can’t respect her like this, but sometimes I even hate her. What should I do as her sister? I want to be honest with everyone around me about my sister, but I also have to consider her pride.

— Upset Younger Sister

Dear Sister: Lying this much indicates that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps it’s psychological, perhaps it’s emotional. Perhaps she’s trying to cope with grief or disappointment or shame. It’s not for me to diagnose.