Parenting is a real rollercoaster – and one area plenty of parents (myself included) often find tricky is figuring out how on earth to successfully discipline kids.

After all, they will often push boundaries and buttons (especially the younger ones) and increasingly, we know that shouting and throwing our proverbial toys out of the pram isn’t going to help solve the problem.

Nor will taking their toys or privileges away in a knee-jerk, frustration-fuelled reaction.

People are increasingly rethinking how they parent, according to Pinterest’s latest parenting trends report – and interestingly, the platform has witnessed a 295% increase in searches for ‘positive discipline’.

Per Unicef, positive discipline is “a method of teaching appropriate behaviour by interacting with children in a kind but firm manner”.

It’s about setting clear expectations, focusing on rewarding correct behaviour, correcting misbehaviour when it occurs, being respectful and non-violent, and providing logical consequences.

On the latter note, The Welsh government suggests parents should try to give positive consequences for their child’s positive behaviour more often than they give negative consequences for unwanted behaviours. An example of a positive consequence might be: “Well done for putting all your toys away, now we can read a book together.”

This can be helpful to prioritise as if we get into a habit of focusing on a child’s bad behaviour (which can be easily done), they might realise it’s a way to get your attention, and so the cycle continues.

Children who experience positive relationships are less likely to engage in challenging behaviour, according to Unicef, so it’s worth taking time to get this right.

With this in mind, I asked therapists and counsellors which positive discipline techniques work best for them in practice and, for those who have children, at home.

Sarah Wheatley, a BACP accredited therapist at Birth and Beyond, who specialises in supporting mums, says she will often stop and ask herself: “What am I feeling just now?”

She might be feeling defensive, scared, or angry. “If I am coming from a place of fear, such as fear of embarrassment or judgement or ‘getting it wrong’ in some way, then I might be trying to get my kid to behave in a certain way to manage MY anxiety,” she says.

“It can really help asking myself that question, because then it allows me to really pay attention to what actually might be going on for my child and try to understand better.

“Often, that helps me figure out an intervention (or not) that is going to REALLY work for them and help them grow, rather than me imposing something to try to control their behaviour.”

Similarly, Debbie Keenan, a BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, ensures she is regulated before she even attempts to help regulate a child.

“I always draw from The Polyvagal Theory,” she explains, “this concept explains how one nervous system can calm another nervous system, how our automatic nervous system responds to safety and danger.”

She will stop and notice what is going on in her own body first if a child is dysregulated, asking herself: Is my heart rate faster? My breathing shallow?

“By consciously slowing my breathing, softening my voice, relaxing my posture, it sends signals of safety,” she explains. “A calm, grounded adult nervous system can enable a child to shift out of their fight, flight or freeze reaction into connection.”

For L.J Jones, a BACP registered therapist and author of Become the Parent You Needed: Heal Yourself to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children, “the most powerful discipline shift” is connect before you correct.

“Co-regulation and emotional connection with our children before leaping into rigid corrective mode is the baseline for healthy parenting, whilst still teaching realistic boundaries,” said Jones.

“When a child is overwhelmed, their nervous system moves into fight-or-flight. In that state, they cannot access logic, reflection, or learning. Attempting to discipline in that moment often escalates behaviour rather than resolving it, and increases stress levels for everyone involved.”

On the subject of connection, experts recommend planning in one-on-one time with children – whether five or 20 minutes a day – to help improve relationships and also reduce misbehaviour.

Nobody’s perfect and sometimes we get things wrong. For BACP registered psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber, it’s crucial that parents acknowledge when this happens – and focus on repair.

It’s noticing those moments when you really did overreact or when you projected your own bad day onto a small person who had nothing to do with it.

She says children don’t need parents who get everything right, they need parents who can get it wrong and stay in the room. Parents who can say: “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

“That moment teaches something a chart or calm-voice technique can’t replicate – that ruptures are survivable,” she explains. “That love isn’t a performance of perfection but a willingness to come back, recalibrate, and try again.”

And it’s also vital for building enduring attachments, she adds. “Being openly fallible in front of the people you’re raising isn’t a weakness. It’s one of the most hopeful things you can model. You become living proof – in real time, in the kitchen, on a Tuesday – that people can make mistakes, stay, and come back better.”

Many of us have been there: your child isn’t doing as they’re told, you need to rush them out of the door so you can get to childcare and work on time, and you’re about to boil over.

They’ve launched their shoes in a huff, a sibling has been shoved, whatever it is, you’ve issued those fateful words: “Right, no TV until tomorrow!”

If they’re younger, and they’ve thrown a toy, you might even threaten to take it away for the next few hours.

The words are out – and there’s no going back. You have to see it through. If you’re lucky, your child caves, puts their shoes on, and stomps out of the door.

But how effective is removing toys or taking certain privileges away in teaching children a lesson?

While this kind of punishment can sometimes stop behaviour in the short term, psychotherapist Anna Mathur told HuffPost UK “it rarely teaches children what to do instead”.

Taking toys or privileges away as a punishment isn’t something she’d recommend.

“On its own, it tends to create fear or upset rather than understanding. Children often focus on the loss (‘my toy’s gone’) rather than the learning (‘my behaviour hurt someone’),” she explained.

“So while it might stop behaviour in the moment, it rarely teaches the skills we actually want children to develop, like empathy, emotional regulation, or taking responsibility.”

In her view, the only time removing something makes sense is for safety or logic, not discipline. “For example, if a toy is being thrown, it’s put away because it’s not being used safely. That’s protection, not punishment,” she explained.

Taking things away is “usually more about adult frustration than child learning”, the therapist continued. “As parents, especially when we’re overwhelmed, we can reach for control quickly.”

While this strategy is “understandable” – especially when you’re stressed beyond belief and trying to leave the house – the therapist said “it’s not the most effective long-term approach”.

“What works better is connection first, then teaching: slowing the moment down, helping the child reflect, repairing what happened, and reinforcing positive behaviour,” she explained.

“Children learn best when they feel safe enough to think, not scared enough to comply.”

She suggested a helpful question for parents to ask themselves is: am I trying to punish, or am I trying to teach?

“Children behave better when they feel understood and regulated, not when they feel scared of losing things,” she continued.

“And often ‘poor behaviour’ is actually a sign of overwhelm, tiredness, hunger or big feelings they don’t yet know how to manage. In those moments, what looks like defiance is often dysregulation.”

Her general rule is “connection first, teaching second, consequences third” as “taking something away doesn’t address the root cause”.

The Welsh government advises that parents should also try to give positive consequences for their child’s positive behaviour more often than they give negative consequences for unwanted behaviours.

An example of a positive consequence might be: “Well done for putting all your toys away, now we can read a book together.”

Mathur is a big believer in this, too. “I also encourage parents to focus just as much on catching and reinforcing positive behaviour as correcting negative behaviour,” she added.

“Children repeat what gets attention. Noticing kindness, effort and repair can be far more powerful than only responding when things go wrong.”