When it comes to managing life with future in-laws, it’s not always easy to determine what those dynamics will look like.

Various circumstances, from the introduction of grandchildren to the equation or geographic location (and proximity), can also play a role in the dynamics you have.

Relationships can change over time, and behaviours can totally evolve as people grow more comfortable with one another.

That said, there are a few factors to consider when trying to determine whether or not your relationships with your in-laws might pose a challenge for you and your partner down the line.

We turned to family therapists to find out what some of the red flags might be, how to navigate them with your partner and how to cope with any lingering negative feelings.

Here are three major signs that might predict you’ll have tense relationships with your in-laws.

Challenges with boundaries are a common complaint that people have regarding in-laws, and it’s one that family therapists see often as well.

“I often see boundary issues as an early warning sign,” Amanda E. White, LPC, licensed therapist and CEO of Therapy for Women Center, told HuffPost. “If someone’s partner would never let a friend drop by unannounced, but thinks it’s fine when their mother does, that inconsistency [could be] a problem.”

When boundary issues come into play early on in the form of unexpected visits or overreaching, it could be an indicator that these challenges might worsen over time, particularly if grandchildren become involved.

According to therapists, it helps if couples are aligned on what their boundaries are and how they’d like them to be respected. “If one partner takes over leading all the boundary conversations with the in-laws, it creates triangulation and scapegoating,” White said, adding that it can be helpful for the person whose direct family is involved to take the first line of communication.

Additionally, it’s worth remembering that setting a boundary doesn’t have to be combative.

“A boundary is not punitive; it simply shows where the line is,” Caitlin Slavens, registered psychologist and clinical director at Couples to Cradles Counselling, told HuffPost.

Similar to boundary issues, there can sometimes be challenges when a partner can’t separate their own life or identity from those of their parents. “This often looks like a partner who struggles to prioritise their relationship over keeping their parents happy,” White said.

In this case, it can also help to talk with your partner, but the key is to approach the conversation with compassion and empathy. “It is important to recognise that your partner has had a lifetime of experiences with their family before you entered the picture,” Slavens said, advising people to focus on how certain behaviors make them feel as opposed to being accusatory.

“Instead of saying, ’Your mom is overbearing,’ try, ‘I feel uneasy after your mom questions our parenting decisions every time we go there. It can be hard to relax when I am there,” Slavens continued. “What can we do to be on the same page the next time your mom comments on our parenting choices?’”

Ultimately, this is another area where being aligned as a couple is important, and in order to reach alignment, communication is imperative.

“What therapists see over and over again are the consequences of putting off addressing these issues rather than moving towards the challenge,” Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist, founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, told HuffPost.

“The counsel here is for the concerned partner to state their sincere desire to have the best relationship possible with future in-laws. While it may be harder in the short term, it’s better to talk openly about concerns.”

We tend to think of problems with in-laws as arguments, tension-driven conversations, or full-on fights, but one of the biggest signs that there could be challenges down the line is if everyone avoids conflict altogether.

“In most cases there’s incentive to avoid conflict because the relationship [with the in-laws] isn’t optional and because open conflict can strain a relationship with one’s spouse,” Lundquist said. “Therefore, much of this conflict stays hidden.”

Even if conflict is avoided, you might still feel the tension simmering. This can lead to feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner’s family, or that a fight could be brewing at any moment. Oftentimes, this dynamic arises when your partner grew up in a conflict-avoidant household.

“I [would] pay attention to how conflict gets handled in their family system,” White agreed. “If disagreements are avoided or swept under the rug, those patterns will show up in the relationship with in-laws.”

Therapists agree that even though having conversations about boundaries and relationships can be uncomfortable, avoiding those conversations can make things far worse over time.

“The conversation may be uncomfortable, but that is why it is important to have it,” Slavens said. “Being uncomfortable usually means it is worth discussing further.”

Sometimes, even after communication, you may still have lingering negative feelings surrounding your in-laws. It can help to remember that this is very normal and common, and you certainly aren’t the first person to feel this way.

“Having these feelings does not make you unkind,” said Slavens, adding that it can be valuable to reflect on your emotions, either through journalling or talking with a friend, family member or therapist.

“Remember, joining another family can be complicated, especially when roles, boundaries, expectations, and values differ. It can help to reframe negative self-talk, such as reminding yourself, ‘I can be both a loving person and not allow others to disrespect me.’”

White suggested finding ways to self-regulate before and after your interactions with future in-laws. “For example, [consider] taking a walk before gatherings, debriefing with their partner afterward, or setting time limits on visits,” White said, encouraging people to recognise what they can and can’t control.

“They cannot control their in-laws’ behaviour or opinions. They can control how much time they spend with them, what information they share, and how they respond.”

It’s important to recognise that there are times when outside help may be essential. According to therapists, counselling can be helpful when a couple cannot seem to get on the same page.

“Part of what makes these relationships so difficult is that they exist for the adult child at the intersection of two families, what we call the ‘family-of-origin’ and the new family they’re building with their spouse,” Lundquist said, pointing out that this person is now in the middle and may feel pulled in two directions. In those instances, talking to a counsellor or therapist may be beneficial.

Further, it’s worth remembering that you don’t have to wait until the conflict has reached an impossible level in order to seek out counselling.

“Consulting a counsellor or family therapist can be a preventative step in navigating family dynamics in a healthy way,” Slavens said. “If stress around in-laws is causing anxiety, self-doubt, or affecting your relationships, those are signs to seek professional support.”

Most children of secondary school age (we’re talking 12- to 15-year-olds) have a smartphone – and some of them will be allowed to have one on the condition they’re happy to give their device up every now and then for their parents to check.

But what happens if, during one of these checks, you spot something that makes your heart sink? And what about if your teen hasn’t given you permission to check their phone, but you’ve seen a notification flash up that’s left you worried?

It’s a minefield – and there’s no set rule for tackling this, as everyone’s situation will be different. That said, experts have shared their thoughts on how to approach this tricky moment, without causing a huge rift.

Counselling Directory member Bella Hird told HuffPost UK parents who have an agreement in place with their child where they can do spot checks “are in a very good starting place”.

“Think of your child’s phone a little as you would think of the world. They need your support to navigate it. There will be places and situations that, until they reach a certain age, you would not let them wander off into unsupervised,” she said.

If there’s a message on their phone that worries you, the therapist advises having a chat with your child about it: “Approach the conversation with your child with honesty and curiosity. So for example, explain ‘this kind of message really worries me and I want to know we are keeping you safe, can you explain to me a little about the context?’.”

She then urges parents to allow their child the space to explain. Try not to react in fear or anger as this will simply shut the conversation down. Punishments will simply drive a wedge further, too.

Education and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall said the key here is offering a calm and proportionate response, rather than punishment.

If messages involve adult or sexualised content, the psychologist said key considerations include: whether the material is age-appropriate; whether there is any risk, pressure or coercion; and whether the young person understands boundaries and consent.

“Adolescence is a stage where children need increasing autonomy and privacy compared to earlier childhood, but this should be matched with developmentally appropriate safeguards,” she added.

“The aim is not to remove independence, but to support safe decision-making while those skills are still forming.”

Bird added that it’s important to help your child understand that it is OK to make mistakes and that being open with you will ultimately end with them feeling supported with potentially difficult or dangerous scenarios.

“Explain to your child what it is about the message or what you have seen that has concerned you and ask them if they understand your worries,” she said.

“They will probably tell you there is nothing to be concerned about, in which case ask them to explain more.”

There might be times when you think your child is in danger – for example, they are being groomed – in which case, you will need to take action. Bird said “it is really important to try to take your child on that journey with you”.

She advised: “Explain to them why you are doing what you are doing it and give them as much agency as possible – so, for example, in the case that you need to involve the police, you should explain that you need to do that and why, and let them know what is likely to happen. But give them choices like ‘would you like me to explain to them or would you like to?’ and ‘who would you like with you?’

“Avoid making them feel punished or ashamed because these experiences are a real barrier to connection and collaboration. They are still learning about the world and that’s OK.”

If you don’t have your teenager’s consent to look at their phone – and you’ve done so and seen something that is cause for concern – Bird suggests asking yourself two questions.

Firstly, what is the worst thing that will happen if I address this? And secondly, what is the worst thing that will happen if I don’t address this?

“I am sure the answer to the first question involves making a teen angry and having an impact on levels of trust, but the answer to the second question is likely to make your decision to act or not pretty simple,” she added.

“When talking to your teen, take responsibility. Apologise for not being open with them about looking at their phone, but explain your reasons for doing so.”

Dr Hall noted that in this instance, repair becomes especially important.

“Acknowledging the breach of trust, explaining the concern clearly, and working together to renegotiate boundaries helps model accountability and respect,” she said.

“Repairing trust is often more impactful than the original rule-setting, as it teaches young people how relationships recover after mistakes.”

Once you have resolved the matter of concern, talk to your teen about how you will balance privacy and safety moving forward.

Dr Hall concluded: “Ultimately, phone safety is not about constant surveillance. It is about gradually teaching young people how to manage privacy, boundaries and risk online, while maintaining an open, supportive line of communication so they know they can ask for help when they need it.”