Dear Eric: My son is turning 40 on December 22. My husband and I are at a quandary as to how to celebrate him.
There have been issues between my husband and him over things from his childhood. We did a special trip for his older brother when he turned 40 and would like to do something special for this son’s 40th as well.
Our daughter-in-law has made special plans for him and we are not included. I understand that, but I need some ideas as to how to celebrate this extra special year without rocking the boat.
I love my son with all my heart, as I do all my children, and want his 40th birthday to be memorable in a positive way. Any suggestions?
— Mom Who Wants to Celebrate
Dear Mom: The issues your son and your husband are having may be an obstacle, but they aren’t insurmountable. And the thing that can get them on the path to resolution is the same thing that can get you answers about how to celebrate your son: open communication.
It’s not within your purview to try to fix things between them, but you have your own relationship with your son and so I’d encourage you to reach out and tell him what you told me: you want to celebrate him, you know things are difficult, and you’re looking for options.
This is deceptively simple and it’s something that all of us so often neglect to do. It can feel awkward to acknowledge tension in a relationship or to ask someone what they want or how they want to feel valued, but that kind of vulnerability is the cornerstone of healthy communication.
Your son may not have a concrete idea about what you can do to celebrate him; that’s OK, too. But by bringing it up, you introduce the idea that you want to celebrate him, that he’s important to you, and that you’re putting his needs first here. That’s going to go a long way.
Your celebration with your son may not end up happening for the actual 40 th birthday, but by laying the groundwork now, you keep the lines of communication open for a meaningful celebration when everyone is ready.
Dear Eric: My husband, 67, of 15 years has many sterling qualities. The issue? He is cheap! He’ll graciously allow me to treat him to expensive meals and say, “thank you,” while overtipping the cute young server, but when he’s anxiously asking if I am “sure” about paying, he somehow never thinks to offer to pay for his own meal!
He hasn’t worked a real job since 2020. I am still freelancing and both of us get Social Security, but mine is about half of his amount.
He apologizes for being cheap, but it doesn’t mean he’s willing to pony up, and he often exaggerates the cost of things such as the house insurance and bemoans having to pay for items post-pandemic. Meanwhile, he has significant bank accounts from dead relatives and “forgets” about the interest payments that mean that I don’t get a tax refund anymore.
For my last birthday, we went to a bistro and shared a sandwich, while he chose a pricey new Thai restaurant for his. Our anniversary meal? At home.
Before retiring, he used to treat me to a restaurant meal, either breakfast or lunch, two or three times a month. Now he says he’s too aggravated when we leave the house, so eating lunch out is stressful for him.
Should I simply start going out to eat alone?
— Picking Up the Check
Dear Check: For many people, fears of financial insecurity can often trump the reality of their financial situation. This might be what’s going on with your husband. Feelings aren’t facts, but they can masquerade as such and drive our actions.
You may not be able to reason with him enough to rid him of the cheapness, especially when he seems to pick and choose things about which to be cheap. But you can give yourself and him tools to combat that mindset.
Talk with a financial adviser together. It sounds like you keep your accounts separate, so a conversation with a financial adviser can help with the process of creating a budget for shared expenses. Budgets are often reflections of our values, so this can be a safe space to talk about the value you place on going out to eat.
A budget will also give you concrete numbers to point to when his anxiety about the cost of something creeps up. Things may feel too expensive, when in reality they’re well within the range of affordability.
Lastly, do take yourself out now and then. You’ve earned this money, and you should have the meals you want to have.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
